Trudging

Things go well, and then they don’t, and then I pick up and trudge along with determination.
Torrential rain for weeks on end make it difficult to trudge. Injuries that prevent me from running add to the difficulty.
Wondering about the General RS Broadcast tonight. I’m not interested in “rubbing shoulders” with my fellow sisters, nor in the two hours of drive time, the “catered dinner” or the talent show that accompany the conference. I think it’s gonna be date night with myself. Take the laptop and find a hotspot. Maybe over a nice cup of coffee. 🙂
For some reason, I have no tolerance for my fellow ward members right now. I’ve always struggled with this ward, but since I’ve allowed myself to question it all, everything has found a place to settle- except for the people. Still working on that. Even people I once loved deeply seem to embody much of what I dislike about Church members- the judgement, the unrealistic expectations, the pseudo-happiness that is required to walk through the chapel doors. . . Wow! I sound really bitter and angry!

I’m just trying to find my happy place in the Gospel. I’m trying to get rid of the traditions, the Philosophies of Men and the misconceptions that have clouded my ability to feel the Spirit, and know Christ’s love. I have become the person I always feared: the person who came to Church on their own terms- the person who could take or leave attendance at the annual Visiting Teaching Conference and Enrichment Night. Church activity has always been a requisite. Now that It’s not, I can’t help but feel a little bit rebellious. I think I am doing it a bit out of rebellion- freeing myself from the shackles of “have to” is liberating.  I have found some “want to” in all this mess. It’s the “want to” that Christ wants from us.
Wednesday Night is Activity Days night for Daughter and I cringed as I went inside the church to get her this week. It is sheer bedlam on activity nights. The kids all run crazy, the adults ignore them, and my precious Daughter is on her absolute worst behavior. There isn’t a girl in her group that isn’t a spoiled misbehaved ungrateful brat. I don’t exaggerate. Well, maybe one girl. It is a small group, and they bring out the worst in each other. After this week, I was convinced that I should sign her up for Girl Scouts and take her out of Activity Days. But I just cant bring myself to it. As crappy as the girls are, it is a great program, and I adore her leader. She is a great woman. (okay, so she doesn’t bug me- there’s one!) We can’t even switch groups when we move, because both wards meet together since we are so small. I trust God to take care of the damage that association with these kids may cause. Is that a proper exercise of my faith?
Husband is battling urges that he doesn’t see any solution to. He came home clean from his last trip- a fact to which I am extremely grateful. I worry how long he can keep this up. I worry how long I can keep this up. We spent the evening tangled up with each other in the chair in our bedroom talking about the weeks events. I need that time with him to recharge- to be near him- to be reminded why we do this. I just adore that guy.

Here’s to trudging!

Advertisements