For many years, my parents met with a therapist.  When we referred to “the gospel,” it was no longer the gospel of Jesus Christ, it was the gospel of Craig.  I believed in what Craig was doing, and his philosophy.  But when it came time for me to confront my depression, his words sounded like my Mom’s words which were far less potent.

Fast forward 14 years and Craig is back in my life.  Thank God.

Mikeal tried to persuade me to meet with Craig back in May when I turned suicidal.  I resisted.  But now that my marriage is at stake, I embrace him wholeheartedly.

It is difficult to get an appointment with Craig, his waiting list is long.  This morning I got out his number but got sidetracked by the plumber, the mud bog that my boys were swimming in, etc. . .  It was while making the boys some chocolate milk that the voice came, “call him NOW.”  So, for once, I did as I was told.  Karen, his wife and secretary had just cleared off his messages and had a cancellation in one hour.  Since I was right in front of her, the cancellation was mine.

And last night I was doubting the existence of God.

(why can I be such a gigantic idiot?)

I started in on my sob story, about the empty space I’ll never fill, about the other men, about my struggle with depression and anxiety, and he said, “stop. Let me jump in right here.”

He recalled our first meeting 14 years ago when he told me how strikingly beautiful I was, and my response which was, “what are you talking about?”  He then said, “you have some pretty deep neuropathways in your brain caused by every bad and unkind thing that has been done and said to you.  They were deep when we last met.  You then married a man who re-affirmed to you every day that you would never be enough for him, and that canyon grew.  You know what?  Nobody will ever be enough for him.  Nobody will ever be enough for you.  When we put our faith in anything of the flesh, we end up disappointed.”

He talked about that pathway, and how we now need to create another pathway filled with light and goodness.  He likened it to a deer path, where if we walk down it repeatedly, it eventually becomes a ravine, then a canyon, etc. . .  My dark canyon is pretty dark.  Pretty deep.  I’m going to start walking down a different path.

He spoke of the sacrament prayer on the water.  If we remember Him, His spirit WILL be with us.  Just remember Him.  In the bread prayer it says to keep His commandments and the spirit will be with us.  He will be with us, but will we feel Him?  Our ability to feel the spirit is clouded and skewed by the way we live our lives.  Keeping the commandments clears out the mud and keeps our lives in line.  Then we can remember Him, and then we can feel His spirit.

He spoke of yin/and yang as the red and white of our souls.  The red represents the flesh, and the white, the spirit.  As kids we learn to cope with life by using red mechanisms.  We run away, we eat, we kick and scream.  As we age, those things become more serious; sex, alcohol, shopping, etc.. . but no matter how much of the red we do, we will never, ever be filled.  We need to re learn to cope by using the white.  Remembering Him.  The beautiful thing is that we are all born with a light path- the light of Christ- we just need to clean out all the muck to get to it.

The last thing.  Our mental patterns help to determine who we are.  “I am useless, I am useless, I am useless, I am useless.”  Why do I feel so useless?  hmmm.  Take a few steps down that path, then STOP.  Physically change what you are doing.  Engage your mind in something else- something that causes you to focus.

Some practical tips to work on this week.  I’m a little worried that it’s going to take more than this to convince Mikeal.  Craig said I could record our conversations so Mikeal could listen- kind of a two for one- but Mikeal will need to hear it first hand, ask his questions, and be able to tell Craig he disagrees when he needs to.  He’ll automatically think Craig is telling him to pray out the gay.  He isn’t, he is just teaching us to come unto Christ and then we will be able to face whatever comes our way.  Including that hot and willing guy in the sauna.