It’s time for me to move on.
I have developed some unhealthy thought patterns that have helped me scrape through the last few months. I don’t know if they were necessarily unhealthy at the beginning- they were just coping mechanisms then- but its been a few months. I’m not just coping anymore. I’m breathing on my own now. (kind of- my breath is rarely my own. . .)
It’s time to let go of those thoughts and replace them with something better. Something that will allow me to flourish, not just grow.
Fear has become such a way of life for me, I’m not sure I’m capable of living without it. Fear allows me to lay on my bed in the afternoon and let the kids watch movies for just a tad bit too long. Fear allows me to blame others for my lack of friendships and outside interests. Fear allows me to be comfortable with doing less than I’m capable of. Fear allows me to dwell on the thoughts that drain and strain my relationship with Husband.
But it’s time.
I know what I have to do.
I’m not 100% sure I want to do it.
What if I’m great? What if I’m great and then I have a bad day and then I’m not so great? What if?
What if I’m not great? What if I get rid of all this crap inside me and I’m still unhappy and mediocre?
I asked Husband the other day if he was that guy I met all those years ago. He responded by asking me what happened to that girl he met all those years ago.
I have been cheating him of that girl. She went into hiding to save herself from disappointment and hurt and doesn’t like to come out.
I was wondering about my self image. Many women have encouraged us “str8 spouses” to get comfortable in our own skin. Even to suggest we dress up in our sexy lingerie and just enjoy it. But I wondered, What’s the point? What good is sexy if there is nobody there to appreciate it?
But then I thought; if I can get to a point that I enjoy myself enough to dress up like that, I will be a much better person to be around. I truly won’t give a $%&* what anybody else thinks of me, and won’t that be so great for Husband to be married to a whole and complete and happy me? Double bonus!
So here I go.
I’m approaching that corner- I’m thinking about turning it- I’m turning on the signal- My hands are about to grip the wheel.
What happens if I turn the corner? What kind of things will be required of me? Will I have to get off the computer? Will I have to (gulp) play with my kids? Maybe I’m not quite ready.
But I’m seriously considering it, and that’s a big step.
(put the vehicle in reverse. . .)