My DH said it best:

“Hi, my name is **** I stumbled across your you tube videos this morning. I’m a married gay mormon. I watched the clips of Sarah’s story. Are you or her up for contact? We are going through some of what she & Wyatt went through. My wife knew I was gay before we married, 13 years & 3 kids later, we find ourselves not making it. I’m in *** for business. If possible I would love to talk. I know I’m a total stranger but sometimes that’s what makes it okay…..”

He had been surfing for support and found a Youtube video entitled: “Sarah’s Story” about a mormon girl who was married to a gay man.  She became suicidal and despondent, and they decided to split. He found the guy that made the video on facebook and sent the above message to him.

This video struck a chord with my dh because I have been spiraling downward for a few months now.  He blames himself since he “messed up” with a buddy of his last Christmas.  He is questioning his testimony, and I am questioning my value as a human being.

Here’s what else he said:

“the interview with Sarah could have been my wife word for word. How long were they married? I don’t really know what to say, I was in a sort of panic this morning when I sent you the e-mail. I’ll just start spilling & see where we end up.

I called my wife & told her about the interview. Have you ever talked to couples who are making it? I love my wife. I can’t imagine not being with her every day for the rest of my life. But we have fallen apart. It’s been a long year. I’m 38, maybe i’m mid life crisising? It all started when I meet a guy who became an instant BFF. MAJOR chemistry. (Not a member of the church) I happened to be Elders quorum president & kept up with my duties at home & at church, every day slipping more into a trance with *****. He also has a beautiful wife & kids. I kept trying to tell myself that everything was okay, that we were just friends, when it really was NOT! We were big buddies for a long time then bada bing, we messed up. I was put on church probation and asked not to see him again. Now my wife & I are just trying to pick up the pieces & figure out where we are.

We are what Wyatt & Sarah were. We are best friends. Love spending every moment we can together. I had boyfriends before we got married. I knew what the other side was. I wanted a life in the church, a wife & kids. So I made careful plans & tried to make the best choice I possibly could. Was open & honest with my wife. Sarah said it so well, something like, how much can you know at 21? (I was 26 she was 22). But aside from all that I made a choice I have to stick to the path I have chosen. I would have taken a lose either way. I’m not whole on either side of the fence so I think I made the best choice. But then ***** destroyed all of that. I don’t know where I fit….

My wife was kinda freaked out about the interview & probably won’t watch it because she wants to talk to people who are making it not those who didn’t. No offense to Sarah. I loved everything she had to say. I also have to tell you that I blog-stocked you! “the stripping warrior”! Love the Mary Poppins song.”

“The stripping warrior”?????? What the Hell was that about?  Why is he blog stalking this openly gay ex-mormon guy from New York?  Am I insane for freaking out about this?  (I must disclose that I found these messages on his facebook account- I logged in under his info to delete an ugly pic he posted of me.  I didn’t go in looking for ammunition.)

I am going through all of the self talk: “Your value doesn’t come from him,”  “why don’t you believe him when he says he loves you and wants to work things out,?”  “Let him work through his spiritual issues.  He needs to figure out what he want,”  “Focus on all of the good things he says and does, not the one or two questionable things.”

It’s gonna be a long journey.  After I read these messages this morning, I started to lose it, so I grabbed my running shoes and ran six miles in the heat.  The sweat helped.  I decided that regardless of what happens to us, I’ve got to get my life in order: get some schooling and some marketable skills so if something does happen, I can take care of myself and the kids.  I will take his money for the kids, but I don’t want him supporting me if we aren’t married.

That’s where I am today.

Better go shower!