I could have sat down and written out an outline and concocted some outrageously clever or moving way to tell this story, but that isn’t exactly how I do things. So I didn’t. And we are here so I’ll just start.
We filed for divorce.
And it really and truly, 100 percent is completely ok. I can’t quite get myself to call it “good” but I’m confident that I will in the pretty near future. “Good” is reserved for the day when I don’t wake up sad or am able to say the word “divorce” without choking up just a little. Because as much as I love not feeling the weight of his infidelity or desires for humans that aren’t me, the weight of not being his wife anymore is still a little heavier on the scales.
The thing is, it just couldn’t work anymore. Not the way we were doing it. There are all kinds of “maybes” and “what-ifs” that could be thrown out and you’re welcome to toss them all around as much as you like, but I feel confident that we squoze every last drop out of our potential as we knew it before calling the attorney. I mean, we decided to split on Jan 1, 2018 and didn’t sign the papers until Aug. 19. This was no rash decision.
What is so, so good in this very moment is that our love is intact. Our like is intact. Our togetherness and life-doing is still intact. His love for me hasn’t had to change, and though mine for him has, he has been patient with every color and shade that it has had to go through to get to this place. Because he’s that good. And so am I.
23 years together has earned us the right to still be excellent friends.
He is looking for community and I’m looking for a stable future. We each turned to what we have always been looking for. I enrolled in school and picked up a job and he is immersing himself in our home remodel and exploring male relationships with a freedom he longed for for… ever. And at the end of the day, I sit on his bed and we laugh and hug and I go up to my room and relish in the quiet of my own freedom.
I will not preach against Mixed Orientation Marriages. I won’t. No one can tell me that we made a mistake or that no one should embark on such a fruitless cause. Because nothing about what we did was a mistake and the fruit it bore was beyond sweet. Our path is taking a turn, but it isn’t a wrong turn because it hurts. Pain can always beget growth if used for that purpose.
I choose this now. I choose to love him and whomever he chooses. I choose to feel joy in the beautiful space God has created for me. I still live in a beautiful home with my precious children and their dad, in the town they know. I choose to love my little retail job and the kids I work with and I choose to look forward with great anticipation to my future in whatever field I land in.
Leaving the stay at home wife/mom life is riddled with guilt but that doesn’t have to be the whole of that story. I’m so blessed to have teenagers who love my company and are so excited to see me take my spare time to serve them and their friends at school. Every moment I am not working/schooling is spent with them which makes our time so sweet. I’m confident they will never question the love their parents have for them or each other.
They know their dad is gay, which has opened doors for their friends at school to be candid with them about their sexuality. I can think of no greater blessing from this than to be a safe spot for a gay kid who is unsupported in their own home.
I’m grateful for every day of my marriage to Mikeal Jensen.
And I’m grateful for every day of my new path. God is faithful. God is provident. We are loved and supported in every way.
My love and heart are with each of you who have walked this path with us. As that “crazy blog writing lady” as one reader referred to me, all the way to whoever I am at this moment, your presence has been meaningful.
As Peter Pan said, “Here we goooooooo…….”