I’m cheating on you with my other blog.  I’m back to focusing on my mental-ness and trying to find a solution.  SO I decided to document my days, food choices, exercise, and all those things that come into play in my mental/emotional state.

Husband and I have had some rather difficult discussions where he talks about all of his healing and I listen to him and cry because I’m feeling sorry for myself and sad and he won’t fix me.  He has been working on healing himself regardless of where it lands us, which, I guess, is a good thing, but I want him to tell me that he will do whatever it takes to keep us together.  I guess when your entire marriage model is faulty, it is difficult to commit your lifetime to patching and mending.

It was determined yesterday that we have a successful marriage, but not necessarily a happy one.  We aren’t devoid of happiness, but again, that faulty model makes it rather difficult to sit back and enjoy the ride.  That was a hard pill to swallow.

My point in sharing this is that I have been under the impression that if the marriage gets fixed, then I will be fixed.  So I have been patching and mending like mad only to find that my handiwork is less than stellar.  I’m not much of a handy-woman.  Husband, on the other hand, has been mending himself, with marvelous results, so he is more able to come back to the marriage and work on it when he is in top form.  This has probably saved us.

Now it’s my turn.  I have been half heartedly working on me, mostly relying on the anti-depressant to do the heavy lifting.  It has kind of worked.  But not really.  And it is starting to not work so well.  Memory loss, lethargy, and weight gain are increasing.  I can barely eke out the energy to do the minimum of life’s requirements.

I am starting with diet.  And already in two days I have seen huge results.  My body hates me for depriving it of its protein bars and corn chips, but my mind is singing.  I have traded a mental battle for a physical one.  I lost this battle a couple of years ago, but I hope that experience and knowledge will be on my side this time.

“non-negotiables” are next: prayer and meditation, scripture study and other positive reading, exercise, nature, social interaction and intellectual stimulation.

THEN- I am going (again) to wean off the anti-depressants.  I have read a lot about detox from Cymbalta and how ugly it can be, so this will be a very slow process.  Husband is ready to call in reinforcements if I get to the point that I can’t deal.  I’m ready to admit when I’ve had too much.

And we will take it from there.

I’m not expecting miracles.  I’m not planning on being healed and perfect- ever.  But I hope to present to the world, and most importantly to my kids and husband, someone better than I am now.


6 thoughts on “Infidelity

  1. I think you and husband are both wonderful people, and I’m glad to be in your corner. As you have so aptly said, personal healing and maintenance is ‘
    “mandytory.” Oy! I think I need a drink, or maybe I’ve already had too many. Sorry. : )

    I’ve had a bit of an epiphany lately on both spiritual and marital fronts. I don’t want to hijack your post, so I’ll hopefully get around to writing it out sometime on my blog.

    God bless,

  2. Hi! 🙂 Thanks for sharing what you’ve written. I too have been where you are in terms of the memory loss and taking Cymbalta. It wasn’t fun. I weaned off of that stuff about two years ago now and won’t go back. It cuts me off from humanity way to much. I did my weaning off with a program called the road back. Using supplements from that program and taking it slowly you can actually avoid a lot of the horrible side effects. Also, I think deficiencies in the b vitamins may contribute to memory loss so maybe supplementing with that will help. Thanks for being so honest. It’s a real breath of fresh air reading your blog. Meditation is great as well. Sounds like you’ve got a great foundation of wisdom and tenacity so this will be a much easier battle than it is for most people. Guess battle and easy probably are contradictory but with your attitude I think you’ve got this! 🙂 Have a great day.

    • I’ll look into that program definitely! ANY thing that will make this transition easier!! I have been getting b-12 shots, but don’t seem to be doing much in the way of memory. we shall see. And if you don’t mind sharing, are you on any supplements or anti-depressants now? and are they working? I was telling Mikeal today that my friend that had a double mastectomy had a huge support network going on through her year of awful surgeries and recoveries. I would like to see something like that for those of us who deal with mental issues and drug withdrawals. Or at least a few months at a beach side resort. . .

      • I’m so glad you could get the book free.:) I am not on any supplements right now but I will be going on some soon. I’m not on Anti depressants right now either. I found a book called brain longevity that had a lot of advice on what supplements to use for depression and forgetfulness. Its a fascinating read. I’m doing well for the most part. The worst issue I have right now is chronic rib pain. Pain in and of itself causes depression so I’m always trying new things to lessen the pain.

        As for support networks for people that deal with mental issues and drug withdrawals I wish I knew of some. I have a friend who I checked in with constantly while I was going off the drug. We’d do a green drink together in the morning. Nothing like fresh veggies and fruit to balance out the emotions. If there is anything at all you have questions about just let me know. Heck maybe we should put together a group of like minded people and go on a week long vacation just teaching each other about what works and what doesn’t. That would be awesome!

  3. I envy how you can identify what needs to be mended. I’m like a ship springing leaks from who knows where, leaks that I am unprepared to fix. I need to learn soon or I’m going to sink and bring it all under with me. You are strong. You have helped me see light. You will get through and I pray it will be as painless as possible.

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