I’m cheating on you with my other blog. I’m back to focusing on my mental-ness and trying to find a solution. SO I decided to document my days, food choices, exercise, and all those things that come into play in my mental/emotional state.
Husband and I have had some rather difficult discussions where he talks about all of his healing and I listen to him and cry because I’m feeling sorry for myself and sad and he won’t fix me. He has been working on healing himself regardless of where it lands us, which, I guess, is a good thing, but I want him to tell me that he will do whatever it takes to keep us together. I guess when your entire marriage model is faulty, it is difficult to commit your lifetime to patching and mending.
It was determined yesterday that we have a successful marriage, but not necessarily a happy one. We aren’t devoid of happiness, but again, that faulty model makes it rather difficult to sit back and enjoy the ride. That was a hard pill to swallow.
My point in sharing this is that I have been under the impression that if the marriage gets fixed, then I will be fixed. So I have been patching and mending like mad only to find that my handiwork is less than stellar. I’m not much of a handy-woman. Husband, on the other hand, has been mending himself, with marvelous results, so he is more able to come back to the marriage and work on it when he is in top form. This has probably saved us.
Now it’s my turn. I have been half heartedly working on me, mostly relying on the anti-depressant to do the heavy lifting. It has kind of worked. But not really. And it is starting to not work so well. Memory loss, lethargy, and weight gain are increasing. I can barely eke out the energy to do the minimum of life’s requirements.
I am starting with diet. And already in two days I have seen huge results. My body hates me for depriving it of its protein bars and corn chips, but my mind is singing. I have traded a mental battle for a physical one. I lost this battle a couple of years ago, but I hope that experience and knowledge will be on my side this time.
“non-negotiables” are next: prayer and meditation, scripture study and other positive reading, exercise, nature, social interaction and intellectual stimulation.
THEN- I am going (again) to wean off the anti-depressants. I have read a lot about detox from Cymbalta and how ugly it can be, so this will be a very slow process. Husband is ready to call in reinforcements if I get to the point that I can’t deal. I’m ready to admit when I’ve had too much.
And we will take it from there.
I’m not expecting miracles. I’m not planning on being healed and perfect- ever. But I hope to present to the world, and most importantly to my kids and husband, someone better than I am now.