hush puppies

hey all – MNJ here – not the lovely MH.  hope all is well out there in the blog-o-sphere.  i’ve been out on the run and have not had time to update since my post a few weeks ago – loved all the responses by the way.  the good, bad & whatever.  my favorite was “for goodness sake, don’t have anymore kids”.  obviously you know our kids because they scare me too!  HA!  not really and quite honestly i just have to say be careful of the stones you throw.  did we make a bad choice to get married?  did we complicate life because we went the next step and had kids?  did the mormon church make us do all this?  maybe . . . but still, my point was this, right or wrong here we are.  a cat and a fish trying to figure out a life together.  now everyone knows that cats prefer dry land while a fish is meant to swim but how do you think “catfish” came into being?  duh!

i got back from my latest trip saturday.  i had been gone a eight days.  on the trip i had A LOT of hours on planes plus some free hours in between.  i took a journal.  now i’ve always been guarded in my journal writing – you know, the whole posterity thing.  what should they or should they not know.  but anyway, i started this journal.  and MH promised not to ever even sort of pretend to think about picking it up and perusing its pages.  with her promise in hand i have been starting to UNLOAD through ink on page!  holy cow i’m a mess – but then you already knew that.  it has been freeing in ways  i did not think possible.  i have written everything and anything that comes to mind.  it has already unraveled some of the chaos that is my mind.  what i’ve come to figure out is this – plain and simple . . . we will stay together.  period!

in case you hadn’t noticed, the zillion dollar question has been stay or not to stay?  i’ve come to realize that keeping this fish and my precious cat together is OUR only option.  not asking you to agree.  i know i asked for support & MUCH was given (thanks by the way).  but not support in the way of agreement.  more, looking for what has or is working for any one out there in a cat/fish marriage.  i know we are trying to navigate uncharted waters.  we are beyond the conventional.  stop pointing out the obvious.  we are acutely aware – trust me.  i’ll be honest, i’ve been closer to swimming away than i have ever been before.  it’s been a rough spring.  we had a “deep digging” session last night.  much was laid out on the table.  we are giving up stuff to stay together.  we more that likely will struggle for the rest of our lives to make this work, BUT – and let me repeat, BUT – we are in this together.  there is a bigger photo here than just us.  this is the path i’m choosing babe.  i’m a bit apprehensive only because of my track record,  working on that though.

anyway – hush puppies are a not so great side dish served with fried catfish here in the south.  i’m done eating nasty side dishes babe.  i want more yellow cake with home made caramel icing (see fella’s – who’d make me fantastic eats for my birthday if i left for another fish?  the food alone is worth sticking around).  babe, let’s move out of the litter box into something a little more suited to us both.  i’m thinking – permanent tropical va-cay!  you get the beach, i get the sea – you can’t have one without the other, toss in a few pretty drinks with umbrella’s and sha-zam!  sounds like the key to a fabulous life to me – you in?

10 thoughts on “hush puppies

  1. Throw in some good shopping trips and it couldn’t be more perfect.
    I seriously love you way too much for my own good. But we already knew that, didn’t we?

  2. This makes me so happy! You are both special friends to me and I honor you for decision you have made. I know the decision was in some ways probably the most difficult you have ever had to make. MNJ, let’s promise ourselves not to be Lot’s wife. Even though you like salt water, you don’t look good in solid salt! With the decision made, for me, I had to have a game plan to help ensure I could follow through and stay the course. I’m sure you’re working on that. Let’s discuss some time.

    Some are critical of the choice the two of you and my wife and I have made, but I believe some relationships and commitments are definitely worth making sacrifices to maintain. Your love for Mandi and the kids, and my love for my wife and family trump everything else.

    You and your family are in my daily prayers. In the event they reach beyond the ceiling to a loving God, I pray you are blessed with peace, strength, and ever growing happiness.

    Much love,

  3. “we are giving up stuff to stay together. ”
    If you want to stay together I feel like that statement pretty well sums it up. You both give up stuff to stay together. Doesn’t make things easier but don’t forget that decision, and like Steven says, don’t look back.
    Love to you both!

  4. Congratulations on your decision! Much love is sent your way. I think everyone is aware of the things you both give up, but it should be more obvious to point out what both of you bring into each other’s lives and as the philosophers said: All you need is love!

  5. I sincerely applaud your decision. I have a few friends who are attracted to members of the same gender and so I started reading a few of the blogs you’ve got listed on your blogroll. Most of them seem to increase the sense of hopelessness that seems so common, either because the individuals appear miserable or have left their spouse and the Church altogether. But then I read a post like this and it is inspiring. Not because I struggle with the same issue, but because I can relate to struggling with other, very difficult issues. It is encouraging and inspiring to see people who have very difficult things to deal with, and don’t give up. Thank you.

  6. MNJ, my wife and I are in very much the same boat (so to speak) as you and your wife. We have our ups, and we have our downs. The downs can be so very exhausting, but we also have the hope that what we are doing is worthwhile. I harbor no illusions that it is going to be easy, and I don’t like the fact that I have had to lead my wife down this painfully broken path that is my life, but she loves me unconditionally. Wow, that is such a cool thing and I feel so undeserving.

    I like the lyrics to the following song, and it aptly describes much of how I feel about the path my wife and I are on.

    I thought I did what’s right
    I thought I had the answers
    I thought I chose the surest road
    But that road brought me here

    So I put up a fight
    And told you how to help me
    Now just when I have given up
    The truth is coming clear

    You know better than I
    You know the way
    I’ve let go the need to know why
    For you know better than I

    If this has been a test
    I cannot see the reason
    But maybe knowing I don’t know
    Is part of getting through

    I try to do what’s best
    And faith has made it easy
    To see the best thing I can do
    Is put my trust in you

    For You know better than I
    You know the way
    I’ve let go the need to know why
    For you know better than I

    I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
    I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
    But it was you who taught that bird to fly
    If I let you reach me will you teach me

    For You know better than I
    You know the way
    I’ve let go the need to know why
    I’ll take what answers you supply
    You know better than I

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