Good-ness

I was driving on my normal morning mommy-bus route today and was suddenly filled with an overwhelming feeling of good.  I don’t know if this is normal for people to experience, but it is definitely not normal for me.

Instead of questioning what sort of internal/external phenomena brought it on, I just relished in it and said a quick “thank you” to the Powers of All Good.

It just happened again.  Twice in one day.  What is going on here??

NOW I’m starting to question why.

*************

Husband and I had a singularly rough weekend.  I will leave it at that.  But the following days have been filled with alternating peaceful and dreadful feelings.  It’s almost like experiencing miniature PTSD symptoms- flashbacks of the moments when everything became really, really bad.  But because those moments were all peppered/doused in prayer the peace shines through and I am guided through by love and good-ness.

Maybe these moments today are the residuals of the meditation and communion with those Powers that held me so close in that dark hour.

Maybe it’s allergies.

At any rate, I must take a moment and thank each of you who has sent their love and prayers to us.  I thank each of you who left comments in our defense and support as a result of my last post.  I thank you because it is that love and support that tempers the actions of those who would seek to tear us down.

***********

I have been contemplating forgiveness and the ability to move on.  I hold on to things.  As I have stated before, movies I watched as a child still are with me.  Emotions from trying experiences never seem to diminish quite completely.  I am in a practice of “giving it to God” when that chill of dread nips at my heels, but it is a constant practice.

I wonder if I should delete many of my previous posts, especially the posts that detail Husband’s actions and behaviors that he is not proud of.  I want the blog to help those who are in our similar situation, but it it necessary to keep everything up to paint a complete story?

If someone were to go back to the beginning of this blog, almost two years ago, they would read words from a different person.  That person felt very small, and doubted the value of her very existence.  Those days still come, but the overall persona of who I am now and what I believe and live is different enough that the resemblance has faded.

The Man in these stories is painted in a very one-sided way.  His story is incomplete.  Is it fair to him to leave the stain in the fabric for others to “learn from?”  Should I hang on to them in my private collection to read from in the future?  When Husband shut down his blog, I encouraged him to hold on to what he wrote, but he didn’t see the need.  He is able to let go.  It’s all still there, but I’m sure it will all come down with a tap of the “delete ” key sometime soon.

Also- weeding out and editing is a very painstaking process.  And I’m lazy.

***********

For now, I shall enjoy these rushes of good-ness, and continue to bask in your glow.

Thank you.

 

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6 thoughts on “Good-ness

  1. Bask, baby, bask.

    Aren’t there websites that will print your blog in a book for you? Tell MNJ he should do that. Wouldn’t that make for a fabulous addition to your coffee table? (assuming you have one…)

  2. Dear Mandi,
    As one who is walking along the same path as you, (Our MOM just celebrated the 37th year) I would like you to know how much I’ve learned from you. Several months ago I started at the beginning of your blogs and am now current. The best way to describe to others this journey is to compare it to a Roller Coaster. There are ups and there are downs. Your blog, I believe, shows others the growth that can come during this time. People need to see the challenges that come into our lives, no matter who we are. This is real. This is how we deal with it. Faith, Hope, Prayer, Love, Forgiveness.

    Your last post broke my heart. I wanted to write “It just goes to show the Masses Are Asses” (One of my favorite quotes when dealing with annoying people.) I wanted to put my arms around you and give you a big sister hug and let you know that you’re not alone. That is one of the things your blog has shown me. I am not alone. My heart breaks for the other young wives and families that are dealing with this. My prayers go out to all of us.

    I know some of the posts are not pretty. But they are real. (From your husband’s I’ve learned a little of what my husband has felt. ) They have been very helpful. You have put a voice to this side of a MOM.

    Tale care and know that you are loved.
    Roxann

  3. I have those moments more and more all the time. I know they are are a blessing from God, his way of saying that everything is fine even though it seems just the opposite. I hope you can continue to have more moments and can just enjoy rather than question!

  4. Oh, and I forgot to say I don’t think you should delete anything. Keep everything as a record of your journey. If you don’t want them to be public, then copy them to a journal. But don’t delete them. Just my opinion. 🙂

  5. I’m one who came across your blog recently and I’ve slowly read from the beginning. I’ve experienced aching, sadness, confusion, sympathy and have felt for you in every sorrow you’ve shared. Similarly, I feel I’ve shared in some part your joy, your spirit’s connection with the Spirit, and your expressions of deep love for your husband. The impression I’m left with is that your strength of character and resilience are quite something to marvel at and aspire to copy. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For sharing, for sharing so much, and for being willing to expose yourself (in both the good and bad times) despite the risks of that vulnerability. Also, you are a talented and witty writer – but I think you must already know this!

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