Is it too much to ask?

I am absolutely and completely, FULLY aware of the ridiculousness of our situation.

I KNOW that Husband should let me free to be loved “completely” by someone else.

I KNOW that I should get out of this doomed marriage and let Husband be the man he truly wants to be.

I KNOW that we have been hoodwinked by a pseudo-religion that is based solely on monetary gain and total control over it’s blind followers.

I KNOW that there is SO MUCH more out there to be had and that we both are living half-lives by continuing on in this ill-fated mockery of a marriage.

I fully support gay rights including gay marriage, adoption, and all else.

I absolutely know that the outrageous assumptions about homosexuality through the ages need to be de-bunked and proven false.  Two people of the same gender can and do love one another with the same purity and purpose as those of opposite gender.  Sometimes more.

I adore my gay friends.  I don’t differentiate between the gay and the straight.  Just between the good friends and the crappy ones.  Incidentally, some of my very best friends happen to be gay.


Is it so wrong of us to want to make our marriage work? Does our determination and our desire to seek out the good and build upon it rather than dwell in the yuck threaten you in some way that causes you to demean and degrade our choices?

Are we so offensive and upsetting?

Is it far too much to ask that there be some support and perhaps, assistance in aiding us through the difficult times? (because, yes, there are many.)

I love my husband.  I love him so much that I am willing, and even eager to work with the painful and upsetting aspects of our marriage- BECAUSE of the man that he is, how I feel when we are together, (the great majority of the time,) and the great and positive life that we have built.

And I daresay that he feels the same.


Is it too much to ask for a little support?

Because I know e.x.a.c.t.l.y. what we are up against.

11 thoughts on “Is it too much to ask?

  1. Earlier this week when you pulled your blog, I was shocked and worried. When I learned what had happened, I was befuddled and upset.

    I take real issue with people making judgments on you and MNJ. They obviously don’t know you, and they are fostering these opinions of you based on their perceptions of others.

    I could take days to defend you two from these people who are putting you down and hurting the two of you. However, I will hold to a higher standard and not make judgments on them. (I will certainly be praying for them!)

    The journey you two are on is not an easy one. I don’t think anyone would dispute that. I know there is love in your family…I have been blessed to witness it personally. Every time I get to see you all, I am astonished and amazed that I get to be a part of your lives. You took me in and have shown me so much more love and support than I thought possible. I get to see the love between you two and your adorable children. Those are three lucky kids to have such loving and supportive parents.

    No matter what anyone may say to you, please know it is NOT the status quo. There are those of us close by that truly love you both, and we will be here when you need us. We have been blessed and loved by you guys, and it is our turn to return that love to you.

    Love and miss you all!
    – Joey

    P.S. I have never gotten to say this, but THANK YOU for the friendships I have fostered because of you guys. They are just icing on the cake!

  2. Mandi,

    I feel you sister!!!! My husband and I have made it 21 years! I have tried to push him away and he stays! I offered to deal with a boyfriend – he said no…

    So when people who know our story and our struggle – it angers me. Who is anyone else to judge two people who love each other whether gay or straight? Our marriage is our business and no one elses. You and MNJ need to make decisions that are best for you and your children and no one else. Not other family, not friends and not church – just you!

    We have made a decision as a couple to stay together because we are both better people together. We make it work…and you will too however you decide.

    Love to you and if you need an ear or a shoulder I am here!


  3. Mandi,
    I’m not aware of what happened, but you know you have two people in Idaho who understand what you are going through and will ALWAYS be in your court. (Thought I’d throw a little bball lingo in here, being March Madness and all)
    “Husband should let me free to be loved “completely” by someone else” My wife & I discussed this recently. Funny, but she feels “completely” loved by me. Isn’t the decision of “enough” her choice and yours?
    “Doomed marriage” says who? Again yours and MNJ’s choice.
    “Let Husband be the man he truly wants to be” Can’t speak for MNJ, but being the best husband and father I can be truly is the man I want to be. I’d bet it is the same for Husband.

    I too support gay rights. Mixed orientation marriage isn’t the answer for everyone, but I honor and support those who try.

    “I love my husband. I love him so much that I am willing, and even eager to work with the painful and upsetting aspects of our marriage- BECAUSE of the man that he is, how I feel when we are together, (the great majority of the time,) and the great and positive life that we have built.” I could have written this about our marriage. It isn’t always easy. It doesn’t have to be. I count my lucky stars that my wife chooses to stay with me. She makes me want to be a better man. I love her.

    I love you and MNJ. Your willingness to share the good with the difficult is a blessing for so many who are lucky enough to know you.

  4. I sincerely hope that I’ve not said anything that implied judgment or criticism. I have my opinions on mixed-orientation marriages, and I have shared them freely in my own domain (blog, facebook, etc.), but I try hard to not project my feelings or experiences on others.

    I especially withhold any judgments or assumptions about your relationship because it’s clear to me that you do know and understand as well as anyone possibly can the challenges that a mixed-orientation couple will encounter, and you (and your husband) have both indicated (and demonstrated) a willingness to accept those challenges and work through them and remain together despite them (or even, perhaps, because of them, in a way).

    I think that many people (married or formerly-married gay men and/or their straight spouses) feel that people like you are a threat to the “rightness” of their own choices. If even one couple willingly stays together with some semblance of happiness, then that suggests that they could have done the same and implies that they “failed” in some way by making a different choice.

    I’ve certainly had brief moments when I’ve felt that way, at least.

    But by and large, I’m supremely confident that Sarah and I have made the right choice FOR US, and I’m secure enough in that confidence that I don’t feel threatened by those who have chosen differently. I applaud your choice to remain together even as I recognize that I could not have made the same choice.

    I do mourn for both of you, a little bit (and I’m not entirely sure that “mourn” is the right word, so I hope I’m not misunderstood here…) because I know all too well how difficult those difficult times can be, and I sorrow that you will experience them (and expect that they will always be there to challenge you). But I would never dream of asserting that you are wrong to choose those challenges over the challenge of separation and divorce. I know as well as anyone that MOMs are damned if they do and damned if they don’t, and that there are no easy solutions.

    Please know that you and your husband have my support and love, no matter your choices.

  5. All I can say is you don’t know me. I stumbled across your blog from a friend of a friend of a friend kind of thing and have become an avid reader.
    Through my own personal sturggles unrelated to homosexuality I have come to relate to you.

    I applaud your efforts to keep your family intact. I think you get it. Period. Your kids need both mom and dad around everyday…as a family. Yes, mom and dad need to be happy individually, but there will always be sacrifices no matter what path we choose in life. Life will never be perfect no matter how we choose to live it. And no matter your struggles, it seems very clear that you and your husband love each other…good and bad.

    I get the feeling you are looking at things from an eternal aspect and not just from this temporary life here. I know for me personally that I have to view things this way or I’d wouldn’t be able to get through some pretty hard stuff. It will be worth it in the end, that I do know with out a doubt.

    I know support from a perfect stranger may not mean too much…but you have it none the less. I am rooting for your family to succeed.

  6. I love you both. SO much.


    Thinking about HMJ’s love for boxes the other day, I realized that I have a perplexing obsession with tags. Good tags with excellent craft and designer labels. The other day, I threw out a whole wad of Allsaints & Spitalfields from like a YEAR ago. Ridiculous. And, throwing the Scotch & Soda tags was literally painful.

    And I had a scotch & soda the other night. It was HARRRRIBLE. Forget that.

  7. From a lurker — Please, MissMoon, don’t stop blogging. If some people have said hateful and unChristian things, that’s their problem. I’m sure I speak for many lurkers when I say we appreciate and support you. Your lives (both your lives) and your words are inspirational. Please hang in there, and please keep blogging!

    Much love,

  8. I relate to you because, like you, I am married to someone for whom I am not his “type.” I am married to a typical 30-something guy of today, who grew up on internet porn, and who consequently was socialized to find only the skinny, large-chested blondes that are the stuff of heterosexual pornography good looking. Think Hooters waitresses. He settled for me, a short, fat, grouchy brunette with a career and hobbies and interests. We have a great life, but I hate it when I catch him looking longingly at skinny minny blond bimbos who I know he would love to take to bed and ravish. I know what it is to see your husband yearning for something else. I know what heartache is. Sometimes I feel like my marriage has shown me more what heartache is than what love is.

    So I feel the worst for you, because I understand your plight (albeit on a different plane). Not being sexually desirable to my husband is demoralizing and has exacerbated my personality problem of being a pessimist. I support you and I feel your situation is less offensive than mine, because you at least would let your husband go if he would go. No hard feelings. Wishing him only the best, with genuine compassion. If my husband ever left me for a new woman, I would probably exact every amount of revenge on him I could find. You really are more the person for all this. Take care.

  9. from a lurker – just to say, you’re such an inspiration… much respect for your honesty, passion and your aliveness.
    and much love and blessings to you and yours

  10. There are challenges in any marriage, any relationship. I contend that you are not living half lives, just lives that are full of joy and sorrow and heartache and wonderings and happiness and perplexities… I think there are very few people who go through life without sorrow of some type. My wife and I are also doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. We are definitely better together than apart. I for one have grown immeasureably in ways that I never could have without her. Do we sometimes wish life were different? Hell yes. But it isn’t. It doesn’t mean that our efforts are futile. It doesn’t mean that the good we have together must be cast aside for this one aspect of life that makes our marriage in some ways far more challenging than seems fair. We love our kids, we love each other. We have been trying to leave church out of our lives in the respect that it need not dictate whether or not we feel worthy of gods love. We are not here to make our bishop happy, we are here to make each other happy.

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