in & out burger

P&M – it’s what’s for dinner.  i have been addicted to meat & potato’s for a really big part of my life and DIDN’T EVEN KNOW!  Now the problem is, how do i change the menu & loose the weight?  i’ve tried portion control.  i’ve tried fasting ( that just made me hungrier ).  heaven knows i exercise enough.  and yet, the poundage continues to creep up – total creepy lurker status.  when you were a kid, among the other noble professions you aspired to, police officer, construction worker, army officer – oh, wait, that’s the village people – was creepy lurker up there in your top five?  it wasn’t in mine but yet here i am.  lurking in the shadows for some beef.  i don’t like it.  i feel sick after i indulge but i can’t seem to get enough.

here’s the thing, i never saw it coming!  yeah – right you say.  but really, i never perused potato mag’s, shopping on line for beef happened maybe a handful of times ( till about three years ago.  now it’s full on bulimia – total binge & purge.  it’s not pretty.  the enamel on my teeth is starting to wear away ), which made me the model of restraint right?  WRONG!  here’s where the light bulb comes on and we find out just how many rats there really are in the kitchen.  in an effort to eat a “healthy” diet with my not so gay queen ( my reference to her as a queen is NOT IN NO WAY EVEN KIND OF RENOUNCING MY CLAIM AS QUEEN OF ALL THE LAND – HA! ), when dinning, no matter the how elegantly the dish is prepared, i have always had to dream of beef, in it’s many delectable varieties, in order to get through the main course to dessert.  which by the way, is NOT a reflection on the cook, she is a pretty tasty slice of pie – the fact that i’m gay does not render my taste buds, well, tasteless.  just not a big fan of pie.  some times it worked, other times – not so much, and now, NOT AT ALL!  so – here i am, eating take out when there is a healthy home cooked meal waiting for me to cowboy up & cut the beef out of my life.  it’s starting to get unhealthy.  my blood pressure is up, my waistline is expanding, it just flat out taking years off my life.  where do i go from here?  and i really mean it – WHERE DO I TURN HERE?  i don’t believe the “jenny craig weight lose clinic” is up to snuff.  i want a betty ford type detox.  some where i can lounge poolside while sun tanned pool boys bring me grapes . . .  dang – got off track there!  deep breath.  okay, so, a while ago when the lido deck was still open, i asked the question of all you homo’s who are trying to eat pie when you really want beef, how to eat the offered dish & find satisfaction.  many helpful suggestions were made.  ALL of which – for me & i would propose YOU – are not healthy choices.  they just perpetuate my desire for meat & potato’s.

AGAIN – it would be pointless to get out.  we would end up living together anyway because i cant live with out her & our kids.  i’ve been trying to tell myself that sex is not a big deal.  but that’s bogus.  sex is a really big deal.  the fact that i don’t want it with her is a huge strain on our relationship & a big bite to her sense of self worth.  truth be told, it’s a big bite out of my self worth as well.  a friend of mandi’s said to her once, “i have an incredible sex life.  but i don’t have all that you & MNJ have as far as a relationship goes.  it stops at the sex.  you have EVERYTHING but sex & i would give up all the sex to have what you have.”  i see us sliding into the roommate zone more & more every day.  I also see her trying harder & harder to pull out a new recipe that i might find interest in while i turn more & more to meat and potato’s.  i know she will read this & think i’m not coming home ( vegas hotel room, watching the sun rise over the desert, another trade show set up – UGH!  it’ll be 80 degrees today.  i should NOT have to stay inside a dark convention center – POOLSIDE!  i did get a chance to shop last night though – that was GOOD ).  this is not a last call kind of plea – I AM COMING HOME & i one piece.  just venting, with out any hope of real help – no offense guys – i just don’t think there are answers out there.

well – here’s to giving up dessert!  may we all live long on the diet!

ps – mandi went to “time out for women & jon jon” in nashville this weekend & texted me that she had “drank the koolaid”!  to which i replied – drink it in babe – to which she said “i’m drunk on jesus”  i ask you, can you SAY that?


5 thoughts on “in & out burger

  1. I need to give you your own login so people can know that it’s you out there on the gravy train and not me.
    And you didn’t freak me out. Im way cooler than Vegas.

  2. Do you ever feel like the most loving unselfish thing you could do is actually let your wife go? The statement that “YOU can’t live without her and your four kids” seems to completely ignore what she needs. And besides, you ARE just close friends if there is no sex involved, right? Couldn’t that deep friendship and co-parenting arrangement still exist outside the bonds of marriage? A divorce would not mean the end of the clearly loving relationship you’ve developed.

    Mandi has a right to be with a man who will love her in every way…who will eat the “dish” she is offering up and want to go back for more. I don’t buy it that it’s either great sex OR everything else. There are relationships that offer the best of both worlds. Sex IS important…for both of you. She deserves the opportunity to seek a man who wants her fully and completely. And you deserve to experience the kind of intimacy you are seeking with someone who is more than a one night stand. Maybe then you won’t feel so “sick” afterward. Anyone with a shred of a conscience would feel that way if they were cheating on their partner with total strangers–straight or gay. But monogamous, committed intimacy for you might blow your mind and fulfill you in ways you can’t currently comprehend.

    This is all just one person’s opinion, which I assume you are open to since you blog and allow comments from strangers. Honestly, your story is tragic. The pain in Mandi’s posts is heartbreaking. I hope you both figure out a way to find happiness in this life, whether it’s together or apart.

  3. Let me preface this by saying that I grew up in “the Church” and understand what your thought process is behind everything you do in life.

    However, don’t you think the Lord will be more harsh with you for ruining the lives of a wife and children by pretending to be straight when you aren’t, than if you just went and lived out your life as a gay man? My feeling is, this is a situation where you are going to have to choose the lesser of 2 evils, and that choice would be living a gay life! I wish people would see it this way. How sad, all these gay Mormon guys, temple marriage, children, the front of the perfect Mormon life…ugh. “The Church” does not equal The Gospel. This is a sad situation for everybody all around. You should never have married in the first place! I feel the worst for the wife. Don’t listen to “church” leaders. They are not necessarily the paragons of wisdom they make people think they are. If the Spirit says they speak by the Spirit, then listen, otherwise, just either don’t go to General Conference or if you must go, tune it out. I respect them as leaders, but personal decisions do not involve them! I don’t know what to say to you to help, but good grief don’t have any more kids!

    This is one of the things that just drives me crazy about “the church.”

  4. I find the preceding comments on this page troubling. The ideal of a marriage that fills every spiritual, emotional and sexual need is just that; an ideal. I have no idea how it works out in real life. It’s seems Platonic to me, in the original sense of the word.

    (That reminds me of an old joke. Plato walks into a bar with a very homely woman. A friend walks in, looks at them both, and says “What’s up?” Plato replies “What can I say? She looked better in the cave.” But I digress…)

    When you fall in love, you fall in love with a person. If all goes well, that love spreads over everything and finally reaches to and includes your sexuality. You two clearly love each other, passionately. Your love has spilled over everything *but* your sexuality, filling emotional nooks and crannies most of us don’t even know we have. I find it hard to believe that lovers — people who really loved — would split just because one or the other had physical barriers that prevented sexual fulfillment. I know your situation is more complicated than that. But as CS Lewis asked, if you had to choose between spending your life with your eternal best friend, or someone toward whom you felt unending sexual fires, which choice would you make? I know which choice I would make.

    I hope I have at least enough humility to prevent me from passing judgment on your choices (that’s for you, previous Commenters!) But the choice is yours, not ours, and you have asked for help and support. For what it’s worth, you have mine. If I were the sort to say things like this, I’d say “Even if it doesn’t work out, at least it’s been one helluva ride”. But I won’t say that. 🙂 I wish you two lovers (and I use that word deliberately) success.

    Thanks for blogging. You have so enriched my life.

    • molly – call it & lee, thanks for the comments. and yes i have considered that the most unselfish thing i could do would be to leave. it’s just what it is. lee pounded the nail on the head – lovers! lovers means more than sex. don’t get me wrong, some sex would be great but life is bigger than sex and that is what makes this difficult. sexual drive is strong but what about letting go of something for a greater good? anyway – thanks! for reals, thanks for commenting and please continue. MNJ

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