Blues. And Greens.

What does it say about me that I find such comfort in turning to *you* when I am feeling low?  Perhaps I don’t want to turn to any “real” person other than Husband, and come on, Husband has shouldered more than his share of my blues.  Way more.

So I come here.  Thanks for your consistency.

This is definitely a chemical blue, rather than circumstantial blue.  It crept up on me and *whap* smacked me upside the head, then planted its cushy little rear end right on my lap and refused to budge.  It has an impressive grip.

What is ironic is that last week I was having a conversation with a group of ladies who were all commenting on how long and dreary this winter has been, and how hard it has been to get out of the funk.  I was a bit shocked to discover that I really hadn’t noticed the funk.  Not that I hadn’t been funky, its just that this time around, I’m on a new medication so the funk isn’t as gripping, and I’m also learning to not let the blue days color my entire outlook.  So then what happens?

WHAP!

I want so badly to put on my frumpiest flannel PJ’s and eat peanut butter and chocolate ice cream while watching daytime TV.

Alas.

********

Husband had an earth shattering spiritual experience last week.  And I should be so glad for him.  And I am glad for him.  But as I stated on someone’s blog, every liberating moment and idea that he experiences in relation to the gay, casts a greater shadow of doubt and uncertainty on me.   It is difficult as a person who has been conditioned to believe that the gay is just that- a condition- to watch from the outside as my deepest desires are thrown in a casket and the lid is slowly nailed shut.

I feel like I am making large amounts of headway in acceptance and changing my attitude and belief on this front, but when confronted with stark reality, I realize just how far I have to go.  (It’s really far.)  The sad thing is that the more certain he is of who he is, the more okay he is with who we are.  His dedication to me and our life gets more solid every day.  And I’m still uneasy.  That’s sad.

Me?  I’m dedicated.  I’m not going anywhere.  And I’m finding exactly how reliant on my Savior I must be to navigate.  After all, He is the one who spoke to Husband, He can certainly speak peace to me as well.  I just have to let down my guard and hear it.

********

Husband has been communicating with a “friend” who is struggling to keep his pants on.  As in, A LOT.  His quest to douse the flames of his desire has become the central theme in his life.  (It wouldn’t be such a big deal if this guy wasn’t married- there’s the rub.)  What I have observed in my travels through the MOHO-sphere is that the gay can so easily become the main characteristic of a persons identity.  Of course you can’t manage your urges if you put all of your time, thought, and energy into them.  This is extremely over-simplistic, I realize, but I think too many fall fast and hard because of it.

If you want to stay in the Church (and yes, it is a choice) or in your MOM (again, a choice) you have to allow other aspects of your identity to share the stage.  Parent, husband, Priesthood Holder, Child of God, Son, Daughter, Friend, Runner, Biker, Wicked Dance-hall Stud, whatever it is- give all sides of what makes you YOU a chance to breathe, and shine.  Squashing is not necessary when every side of you can hold hands and fill in the space.  Even the depressed, unmotivated stay-at-home mom, wife of a gay dude can shine on center stage.  If I’m going to be down, I’m going to at least do it right!

Husband has “come out” to a few more people in the last few weeks.  And at this point, it just isn’t a big deal, because the gay isn’t the driving force of who he is.  He is no longer lurking in the shadows to satisfy his hunger at every opportunity.  He’s gay.  But he’s also a lot of other things, which are finally allowed to share the space with the gay.  For far too long he was having to choose one or the other.  Now they co-exist rather peacefully.  He goes to church on his terms, does his job on his terms, and is a husband on his terms.  There is no more “faking it.”  (yes- some of these “terms” are less than ideal to me, but underneath the surface, I am so extremely glad he is at peace.  And not a creepy lurker.)  He has evolved into an even more wonderful, confident, kind and excellent man.

********

One added benefit to Husband’s coming out to people is that their image of me jumps exponentially.  Husband always speaks extremely highly of me anyway, so you add this little smidgin to it and I’m borderline divinity!  Who loses in this equation?  (I didn’t particularly care for one girls comment that Husband and one of his colleagues would make a cute couple.  Even if they would.  I’m not too thrilled with it being pointed out.  But whatever.)

*******

Believe that God loves who you are at your core.  And if you don’t believe in God, YOU believe that you are perfect at your core.  BE that person, in all aspects of its goodness.  Turn from negativity and darkness and embrace that light which burns within you.

I’ll work on it after I finish my ice cream.

******

My fine e-friends.  I feel like I’ve had a nice little chat with a close friend, and nobody had to actually hear me cry!  I like this arrangement.

******

(In my rush to get this done and proceed to the “dinner” phase of my day, I neglected the “greens” part.  I really did have a tie-in.  Another day, perhaps.)

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9 thoughts on “Blues. And Greens.

  1. Mandi,
    So sorry you are in a funk today and have lingering fears about MNJ. I’m sure some of that will be present for some time, but what you said about him becoming a better person because he is no longer lurking in the dark, but rather accepts himself resonates with me. It has been my experience as well.

    You ARE an amazing woman and cherished friend.

    Much love,
    Steve

    • Steve- you have been such a driving force in my acceptance of the new terms of my life. I know that you’re human, but I can’t help but see only the divinity within you.

  2. Besides, you wouldn’t want us all to see your snots and runny mascara too, right? I’m glad that you’re willing to share a piece of yourself – because you are pretty awesome.

    • Snots and mascara? That’s what makes the world go ’round! Especially since I switched to MAC opulash. In black, even. Stains like no other, but you get the real tormented soul look when the tears fall.
      Thanks for the love.

  3. I don’t mind the arrangement. Except that you didn’t share the ice cream. That’s crap.

    And I hope you know that I fell in love with you guys because of the beautiful people you are and not because MNJ is gay and because you married him. Really, it was because you were these two amazing, confident, and talented (not to mention almost disgustingly chic) people who positively radiated warmth and humor and sincerity. The “gay” is just a small piece of your lives because you are both complete people. And that’s beautiful.

    I think I was part in awe and part hoping that if I could at least be your friend that perhaps some of you would rub off onto me. I’m not so sure of this diffusion or transfer process, but every interaction I have with both of you leaves me with beauty in some form.

    And that has been incredible. 🙂

  4. I loved this post. I loved the plea to let the whole self shine through and be explored. I think it’s important to first thoroughly explore the emotional side of homosexuality before beginning to think too much about exploring the sexual side. I think a thorough and healthy exploration of the emotional will inform and help define how much of the physical side should be experienced and at what point.

    So much love to you and your helplessly adorable family. Keep an eye on the kids though. I kind of wish MNJ was still blogging. I get to hear some of his experiences, but I think lots of dudes could benefit from hearing the things he learns by being on the path he is.

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