- I’m married to a gay man.
- He has not always been faithful.
- We are celibate.
- We live in a small town, thousands of miles away from family and familiarity.
- I struggle with depression.
I’m tired. The past few days have been difficult. When I make out a list like this one, I can understand why. And then I wonder what on earth I’m doing.
- I have a husband who is supportive and encouraging, and who works very hard so I can stay home and care for us and our kids.
- I have a firm faith in God and Jesus Christ.
- New experiences are all around me. I am living in a gorgeous part of the country with an ideal climate.
- I am physically healthy.
- I get to take a nap every day with #2 son.
And then I wonder what the big deal is. Look at all that I have. My life is so cushy.
Why can’t I just get over it?
Why, after TWO YEARS am I still hanging on to the infidelity like it was yesterday?
Why, after 14 YEARS can I not accept that Husband is gay?**
Why, after FIVE YEARS do I not feel at peace with my surroundings?
What am I doing wrong here? I pray. I fast. I am constantly vigilant about my thoughts. I study depression, meditation, nutrition, doctrine, parenting, wife-ing (I know, not a word. . .) So WHY is it all just too much sometimes? What am I not getting?
I completely suck at friendships. I know that I’m awesome- to me. But I’m pretty much convinced that I’m not awesome to anyone else- and if someone else does happen to think I’m awesome, I don’t want to spend any time with them because they will undoubtedly figure out that I completely suck. Anyone reading this who wants to protest this fact has either A) not spent a significant amount of time with me or B) been significantly let down by me in the past.
So, when a friend texted me to see if I would like to join her at the lunchtime fundraiser in town today, I automatically tensed up and tried to come up with excuses to get out of it. But since I was already en route to said lunch, (with my steady date, #2 son) I couldn’t get out of it. This woman is pretty awesome, with a mouth like a trucker and an attitude to boot. I swallowed my tension and met her. The self talk began: “Don’t be tense. Don’t let #2 son lay in the street. Don’t walk so slow. Don’t bring up controversial subjects. Be more fun. Be more happy. . .” Aside from the incessant rattling in my head, I was able to have a very pleasant lunch. I do really well in large groups where there are people I am somewhat acquainted with. “Oh, I love your haircut! Have you met ____ ? So good to see you!” But navigating the crowds and making decisions with somebody else is just about more than I can stomach. Thankfully this friend is not only independent and strong, but very kind.
The weather was beautiful- a bit chilly, but very sunny. The food ranged from excellent to iffy, and it was okay that I didn’t like everything she liked, and vice versa. Over the course of our hour, the conversation turned to her planning to sell her house in the spring and hopefully move by her family- about 100 miles away. Without her husband. Apparently she had an affair a couple of years ago, and her husband just can’t get over it.
Looks like I’m not alone.
So now I’m not only replaying every word of our conversation today and feeling sick that I said all the wrong things, I’m really upset that I may be losing one of the very few close-ish friends I have here, AND really bummed that she and her husband aren’t able to work things out after an affair. I know. They aren’t us. But that news sure doesn’t help.
So- on we trudge. Husband becoming more and more convinced that it is unhealthy for me to stay with him, and me becoming more and more convinced that I have to convince him otherwise- as in- GET OVER IT QUICK, BEFORE HE PACKS UP!
Is it naptime yet?
**This one isn’t really valid- I’ve pretty much figured it out. For the first 12 years of marriage, I thought he was “heterosexual with homosexual tendencies.” Every time he kissed me, I thought he was straight. Every time we were intimate, I thought he was straight. Every time he got all silly over Cameron Diaz, well, you get the point. This “loud and proud” husband is still a relatively new addition to our relationship.