Now that the Lido Deck has shut down, I kind of feel like an intruder into the mohosphere. Like Husband had the backstage pass and I was just sneaking in behind him. Sort of a weird feeling. I feel all sorts of out of sorts anyway so this just adds to my sense of bewilderment. I’ve been a really crummy and unsupportive wife today. I know that everyone has their days, that not everyone can be on their game at all times, but since I am rarely on my game, I need ALL of the other players to be up and ready to go 24/7. He hasn’t been and I’m really not dealing with it well. At all.
Life is a river. It flows and flows. It goes over rocks, it goes around trees, it carries bits and pieces with it all along its course. This will happen regardless of how I feel about it. I can try and stop it. I can try and pick up every stick and leaf it carries along. But it will keep flowing, and bringing stuff with it. So, I can dig in my heels and kick and scream and throw things into it to try and change its course, or I can just pick up my feet, float along with it, and enjoy the view. (I’m picturing steep cliffs on one side and a bank of autumnal trees on the other. . .) I completely own the fact that it is me that is in the wrong, so I just need to suck it up and pick up my feet and float along rather than keep my heels dug down in the silt while my ankles shake uncontrollably from the cold water
Even with all of that imagery, I’m not convinced. I still think I can kick and scream my way into getting what I want.
I can’t help but feel a little bit alone. I’ve been going through my mental list of people I could call today to get a good dose of reality and a smack upside the head, but that’s really unfair to Husband, to lay out our life to a third party. . At least I still have you, dear blog. You are always here. Letting my mind meander and wander through all of its stuff and nonsense. Even if I’m no longer legit.