Yet another apology.

Lets see- I’ve got a well documented case of clinical depression. A three day trip to the looney bin after insurance= approx. $500, take that every 5 years for the rest of my life = $4200. Weekly therapy (non-LDS SS) at $155 per hour= $341,744. Anti-depressants at $50/month average= $25,440. Books in my bookshelf already add up to over $400, so I can assume that for another 42 years I’d be up to $2,000. Failed attempts at homeopathy @ $150/hour three sessions + gas and time to drive 110 miles each way + babysitter= $850. Add to that meditation workshops, acupuncturists, organic food, dietitians, massage, girl’s weekends for relaxation, and we are looking at well over $400,000 all to keep me from killing myself which would wind me up, according to doctrinal teachings, in Hell. Or I could buy a tank of nitrous oxide for a couple hundred bucks on the black market and end it all tonight. Tough decision.

This is a comment I left on a blog yesterday.  Not quite sure why I felt it necessary to drop this kind of nasty vibe on someones day, but I did.   When I got a phone call later on making sure I wasn’t actually going to do myself in, I thought better of the comment but was unable to delete it.

In the hours since then I have thought about my intent in writing this and decided that it was for a couple of reasons:
1. I get all sorts of testy when people blame the Church for stuff.  Yeah, the Church teaches that gays are sinners.  That sucks- particularly if you happen to be gay.  Just as we all grow up and have to stop blaming our parents and their poor parenting for our issues, there is a time to decide what we believe and why- independent of what anyone is telling you, over the pulpit or not.  I got my panties in a wad over that.

2.  I have made the mistake of inundating my life with angsty gay blogs.  Which is stupid because I’m not gay, I’m not questioning my sexuality, and I know that reading these blogs is not helpful.  But like any good gory car wreck, I simply must look.  Yesterday, I think I kind of got tired of it.  Instead of just turning away and doing dishes, I kind of had a ‘moment’:  You’re gay and married to a girl and life is difficult.  I’m depressed and frequently battle suicidal tendencies.   Here’s my slice of hell to go along with yours.  See?  You’re not alone.

So there you have it.  I don’t think this is really coming across as a very good apology, but I apologize for dumping my issues on your space.  I’ll keep trying to concentrate my issues into my own space.

Or, we could just chalk it all up to my “dark sense of humor.”  I like that too.


11 thoughts on “Yet another apology.

  1. HA! I didn’t read your comment on the post, but I can guess which entry it was on, and I agree with you 100%. I love your writing, especially your “dark sense of humor.” Maybe we straight girls need to stop reading angsty gay blogs. I will if you will =)

    • Where have you been? I’m glad you popped out of the woodwork for a moment!
      Maybe we should work up some sort of reward system for NOT reading blogs that don’t serve us. I’ll get to work on that.

      • I’ve hit a wall blogging for some reason. The creative inspiration just isn’t coming. I’ll get back to it, soon, though. Glad to see that someone noticed.
        I can really relate to the “gory car wreck” thing–I just can’t tear myself away. Maybe I need a little Nancy Reagan in my life to “just say no.” Maybe a few dollars a day for fun money every day I resist the urge to fall into that pit of angst? I’m looking for good motivation.

  2. Oh, I missed this. I believe I got accused of engaging in scare tactics on the same blog which is not what I intended, but in the twisted real world that I live in, I rather relished being called out as such, as it was necessary to slay a dragon later in the day and it gave me the courage to go out and get both tactical and scary and real life. I feel guilty for enjoying the comment so much even though it did not reflect my reality. Because there was pain in that commenter’s response. Sick of me. I think I share in that dark sense of humor.

    It has been said, “Discretion is the better part of valor.” Yes, I think so, but usually in retrospect . . . when it’s too late.

    I’m so with you girl.

  3. I didn’t interpret your comment as nasty. In fact, I thought it was meant as sort of funny, like “take that, you mohos!”

    I am with you about being sick of reading moho blogs blaming the church for everything. For me, the gospel AND the church have brought an enormous amount of peace and joy into my life, and it hurts every time I read someone’s blog tearing it down. I realize the church isn’t perfect, but no organization will be. I told Chris a few weeks ago that I was done reading–I just couldn’t take it anymore…yet here I am still. It is like a car wreck you just can’t take your eyes off.

  4. I hope I am one “train wreck” that you are still willing to watch and follow. Why? Because, I appreciate your comments and insights as a very sane woman who’s perspective I respect. It helps me to better understand the “wife” point of view.

    Though I’m sure you were facetious, as for the church’s doctrine on suicide and going to hell – I hope you don’t really believe that.

    • Beck- I’ll keep reading if you keep the naked boy pics off.
      And holy cow, I’m the least sane woman around! But I’m glad I’ve got someone fooled-
      And no, I hadn’t heard that you actually don’t go to the outer wilderness of all things bad and dark when you do yourself in. Maybe I shouldn’t be corrected in my assumption though. Actually, I have always liked the take that the film “What Dreams May Come” had on suicide- that it was a self- imposed exile. That a mentally ill person couldn’t abide any other realm so they existed in a place of their own creation of sorts. Not that I would want to live in a spot that I felt I deserved in my darkest moments, but it has a sort of just ring to it.

  5. Quick clarification: I do not perceive moho blogs as a morbid train wreck, or as my own reality soap opera I read to get my fulfillment of drama. I was just trying to say that sometimes when I get too involved in reading blogs all the time, it does more harm than good to my psyche. So I have tried to stop reading blogs for awhile, but for whatever reason (I guess I care about all you bloggers out there and it helps to know that I am not alone in this situation), I can’t stay away too long. I guess it’s like everything in life–moderation is the key.

  6. In no reference to the blog you posted on but I have deleted quite a few blogs from my follow list, because I don’t care to listen to them complain about the church post after post.

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