Lets see- I’ve got a well documented case of clinical depression. A three day trip to the looney bin after insurance= approx. $500, take that every 5 years for the rest of my life = $4200. Weekly therapy (non-LDS SS) at $155 per hour= $341,744. Anti-depressants at $50/month average= $25,440. Books in my bookshelf already add up to over $400, so I can assume that for another 42 years I’d be up to $2,000. Failed attempts at homeopathy @ $150/hour three sessions + gas and time to drive 110 miles each way + babysitter= $850. Add to that meditation workshops, acupuncturists, organic food, dietitians, massage, girl’s weekends for relaxation, and we are looking at well over $400,000 all to keep me from killing myself which would wind me up, according to doctrinal teachings, in Hell. Or I could buy a tank of nitrous oxide for a couple hundred bucks on the black market and end it all tonight. Tough decision.
This is a comment I left on a blog yesterday. Not quite sure why I felt it necessary to drop this kind of nasty vibe on someones day, but I did. When I got a phone call later on making sure I wasn’t actually going to do myself in, I thought better of the comment but was unable to delete it.
In the hours since then I have thought about my intent in writing this and decided that it was for a couple of reasons:
1. I get all sorts of testy when people blame the Church for stuff. Yeah, the Church teaches that gays are sinners. That sucks- particularly if you happen to be gay. Just as we all grow up and have to stop blaming our parents and their poor parenting for our issues, there is a time to decide what we believe and why- independent of what anyone is telling you, over the pulpit or not. I got my panties in a wad over that.
2. I have made the mistake of inundating my life with angsty gay blogs. Which is stupid because I’m not gay, I’m not questioning my sexuality, and I know that reading these blogs is not helpful. But like any good gory car wreck, I simply must look. Yesterday, I think I kind of got tired of it. Instead of just turning away and doing dishes, I kind of had a ‘moment’: You’re gay and married to a girl and life is difficult. I’m depressed and frequently battle suicidal tendencies. Here’s my slice of hell to go along with yours. See? You’re not alone.
So there you have it. I don’t think this is really coming across as a very good apology, but I apologize for dumping my issues on your space. I’ll keep trying to concentrate my issues into my own space.
Or, we could just chalk it all up to my “dark sense of humor.” I like that too.