During our run on Saturday, I received one of those rare insights that can only be answered as a gift from God.  Yeah, I tend to get all sorts of emotional and dramatic during long or strenuous runs, but this really was remarkable.

Husband and I had been having a discussion about *ahem* intimacy, that had spanned a couple of days.  Namely, something had occurred in the past that he didn’t realize had occurred and had he known about it at the time he wouldn’t have allowed it to occur and now upon realizing about said occurrence was just a *tad* bit sicked out which left me feeling all sorts of embarrassed.  So I had to ask: If said occurrence had occurred with a man, would you be sicked out?  To which he responded (as I had guessed, but dreaded) “of course not.”

But then I realized something, or rather, was given a glimpse into his soul.  Something I had known on a cerebral level for a while, but now was able to REALLY understand: intimacy with me has always felt unnatural to him.  He had to really go outside of his comfort zone to have an intimate relationship with me.  For 13 years, he stressed, worried, tried, imagined, and all but forced himself to work with me on this level.  Suddenly it came as no surprise to me that he had to give it up.  13 YEARS of “fake it til ya make it!”  That’s some stamina, folks!

It isn’t that he didn’t enjoy the emotional bond that intimacy brings, that he didn’t enjoy the overall experience- the “completion” if you know what I mean.  But it really came at a price that became too high to pay.  I get that now.  I stand in awe of his love for me that he would keep that up for so long.

I still badger him for a piece of the action every now and then, and I still hope for a future where we BOTH can enjoy intimate pleasure together, but I sort of understand now the price he has paid, and am much more willing to let him rest from his labors.


2 thoughts on “Gifts

  1. Man, can I relate with this one, especially the “fake it til ya make it!” line. I love it. That’s the story of my life… heavy sigh…

    And yes, from this side of the perspective, I can say with good authority, that he really does love you!

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