Episode #135

. . . in which Husband becomes a eunuch.

Mr. Hawtness admitted to me today something that I have known for a while now.  He is becoming asexual.  Which in proper perspective is really great, because that means his loins don’t burn quite so hotly for anonymous hotties in the hotel sauna.  Which in another perspective totally sucks because I’m a (mostly) young woman who likes to have the occasional opportunity for sexual expression.

It isn’t that I haven’t been thinking this for a year now, or that I haven’t even tried to get him to admit it.  It became pretty obvious that when he admitted that he was actually in charge of his actions, and that it wasn’t aliens usurping his moral agency and taking over his body to act out with random guys, that he would have to rein in his desires- to douse the flame, so-to-speak.  I knew that this would adversely affect our “relations,” but secretly hoped that somehow the little *teeny*tiny* flame that bore my name would survive the dousing act.  Yeah, I’m dreaming that there was even so much as a flickering ember with my name on it, but a girl has to have some story to tell herself.

So I’m married to a eunuch.  Maybe I should change my blog name.  (He actually isn’t totally a eunuch, his bits and pieces are still intact.  In case you were worried.)  And I still hope- like an Elvis fan, waiting at the gates of Graceland for the King to walk up behind her and whisper in her ear that he really is still alive- that there will be something there, someday in the future.  I still feel the sparks of arousal with every smack on the rear, and every kiss on the neck.  These are just routine to him, but last night as we lay in bed and he lightly stroked my hand, I soaked up every tiny sensation as if it were the *real* act itself.  I have to.  It’s all I’ve got.

Is this pathetic?  Is this sad?  I don’t think so.  I think more relationships would survive and even thrive if partners were willing to accept whatever the other has to give.  It would be unfair of me to expect more of him than he is able to give.  It is in the act of accepting what is, and letting go of what isn’t that brings us closer than any old orgasm could ever do.

So I take a moment to thank the gracious God above for the goodness I have been blessed with, and I take another moment to thank Husband for giving up something and giving me what remains, and I move forward with a full heart.

I think I made the right choice.

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7 thoughts on “Episode #135

  1. I was wondering how you were doing today and lo and behold, I see a wonderful post like this! I’m so happy for you! It sounds like you both are making excellent progress.

    • Hey, bosk! How are YOU?? I watched Valentine’s Day the other day, and one of the kids in it TOTALLY reminded me of you. Check it out if you haven’t already. I’m sure you’ll know right away who I’m talking about.
      Keep smiling, and KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!!

  2. Why do you always try to make me cry? I think I’m going to pass the baton of my blog name to MNJ, for he is truly a ‘lucky man.’ You too are blessed to have him. He is a good man, and that is my aspiration, to be known as a good man.

    Love you both,
    Bravone

    • UMM- You are THE BEST of men Mr. B! But your humility is part of what makes you so good. Still toying with the idea of coming out in Aug. REALLY hoping that something will magically fall into place to make it all happen. I didn’t overspend this paycheck, maybe I’ll get extra blessings for that! 🙂
      mandi

  3. What I absolutely love about the two of you is the fierce love you have for each other. Rarely do you come across a love as strong and tight as you and MNJ have. I am honored to be witness to it. You both are a blessing to all who know you.

    Love you guys!

  4. This is one of the phases young women contemplating a MOM need to be aware of. Lucky for you, you and your husband are aware of it, discussing it and acknowledge it. Before we were aware of what was going on, I thought it was all my fault, overweight, unattractive, etc. etc. etc. It was a blessing to discover the real reasons for his lack of physical contact. Therapy has helped us to understand better these stages. My experience has shown me that these stages can come and go. When it’s good, it’s very very good. When it’s the dry season, you wait for the rain. One of the good things that’s come out of all of this is the deep friendship and love and deep commitment. After 36 years, it hasn’t been easy, but he’s been well worth it. Love and Hugs to you. Some of us MOM’s do succeed.

  5. missmoon,

    Would you care to be interviewed for my podcast? I am sure my listeners would find your story and your struggles exceptionally moving. You would be our first Mormon guest so you would also be educating our audience (many of whom come from Europe,) about the LDS- and we may ask you some basic (ok, stupid) questions.

    If you are interested, please email me at the email above…

    Fat Steve
    The Pair of Continents podcast

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