Would you still love me?

So, I was just laying in bed with #1 son- as I do every night.  We usually sing a few songs, or he will tell me a story about a train/truck/spaceship that exploded and destroyed the earth.  A precious few moments at the end of the day.  I play with his hair and watch as he fights to keep his eyes open.

There is a sadness about this boy.  He is a happy kid, but a depth exists within him that is disconcerting as a mother.  I have commented light heartedly about his OGT’s in the past- half hoping that they were just inherited traits from his Obviously Gay father.  But tonight took on a different note.

He was clingy and upset tonight when he didn’t get his way in the game he made up after Family Home Evening.  He has been clingy and upset a lot the past few days because he hasn’t felt well.  I just responded with firmness that he doesn’t always get to win but that it was a great game, so let’s move on.

When we got up to bed, he seemed especially urgent in his pleas that I lay with him first, instead of with his brother who usually is first in line.  I climbed up and lay with him, he wrapped his arms around my neck tightly, and said, “If I was a girl would you think I was beautiful?”

???????????

“Of course!  You would be a beautiful girl,” I responded.  I tried my best not to let on that my guts were spilling out all over the floor.

What is going on in this poor little 5 year-old’s mind that he would ask such a thing?

“Do you want to be a girl?”  I asked.

“Yeah, I like to be a girl, and Sister and me could be girls together.”  He said.

“Do you like to be a boy?”  I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

“Not very much any more, just a little bit.”  Was his response.

Oh, God.

This entire conversation was anything but lighthearted.  He had been contemplating this for a while, and was very intent on hearing my response to his original question.

“What kinds of things would you like about being a girl?” Was my next attempt to dig deeper into his intent.

“Oh, just fings (things, in his vernacular.)”  He was done with the conversation.  He had the information he was after.  All he wanted now was some physical comfort so I laid with him an extra bit while watching his eyes slowly close.

I cannot bear the thought of the pain that this kid may (or may not) be embarking upon.  I guess this is God’s way of kicking me in the derriere to make sure these kids know who made them, who loves them, and where to turn when things get iffy in their lives.

A few years ago, we bought a Minerva Teichert print for the boys’ bedroom.  It is of Christ in a fold of sheep, carrying a small black lamb.  At the time there was no significance to the choice of print other than we loved the artist, and that each of us has felt like that little black lamb more than once in our lives.  Now my fears that my little #1 will become quite deeply acquainted with the feeling of being the outcast are taking form.

Maybe this is all conjecture.  Maybe this is nothing more than a 5 year old’s curiosity and insecurity about his place in the world.  Maybe he will grow up to be a drag queen.  Whatever.  Right?

“Come what may, and love it” takes on a whole new meaning.

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5 thoughts on “Would you still love me?

  1. This post both warms and breaks my heart. Mostly it warms my heart to see the loving relationship you have with your children. My kids are mostly gone now, and I miss those sweet moments shared together before we both fell asleep, usually me first 🙂

    No matter the direction his life takes, he will always know the unconditional love of both mom and dad. That love and assurance may be all it takes to help him through some of life’s challenges. Someday, when he knows the extent of the sacrifices you have both made to provide him a loving, safe home, he will praise your names.

    Father sent this sweet son to your home for a reason. His spirit will bless and brighten your lives as he grows to the man he is capable of becoming.

    I too have a son that is tender and sweet in ways not found in his two older brothers. Even now, surrounded by his macho football buddies, he hugs me and tells me he loves me. I can’t walk out of his room at night without at least three or four ‘I love you dads.’ Hold him tight, yet give him room to spread his wings. He won’t disappoint.

  2. I think you often times fail to realize what a wonderful mother you are to your awesome children. It was so apparent to me last week when I had the brief chance to visit you just how much they loved you. The boys were hanging all over you just looking for your constant love and attention which you so readily provide. It brings such a heart-warming smile to my face when I think about the love between you and your kids.

    Remember, God never gives us more than we can handle. Perhaps God has placed this little angel with you because He knows of your unconditional love and your experiences in this life are exectly what #1 son will need. I know you and MNJ will be there to guide him through whatever challenges he may face in this life.

    As I read this post, my heart ached so much for #1 son and for you. At the same time, I simply smiled at your love, attention to, and answers you gave to him. He knows that he can come to you with anything in his life…that is such a priceless gift that any mother can give to her children.

    I know I do not need to tell you this, but cherish your children and all the joy they will bring into your life…especially your three awesome little ones.

    Love ya!

  3. I think Bravone had lots of good things to say. I think it’s beautiful that there is the type of closeness that he would feel comfortable sharing his question with you, whether it’s just a passing curiosity he has or not.

  4. Wow. I had a couple thoughts while reading this.
    The first one was what a great mom you must be. You handled that situation really well. It’s funny because when my nephew wants a doll or something pink my sister and her husband quickly discourage him from this and make the comment, “That’s for girls, not boys.” I admire you for your response to him in such a bigger question of “If I was a girl would you think I was beautiful?” compared to “Can I get the pink one?”
    My second thought was that this story would confirm my friends and familys’ theory that if gay people raise kids or kids are surrounded by gay people it rubs off. Haha. So silly but I guess everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.
    Thank you for sharing!

  5. Whereas you seem concerned for what could be coming to your son, there is one thing I can assure you of: if you and your hubby continue to be as loving and welcoming of him no matter what, you are cushioning the blow. And that is the most loving thing a parent can do!

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