So, I just went back and re-read some of my original posts from a year ago. And Wow is just about all I can say.
It really is a miracle that, in that state of mind, I was able to stick it through.
I’m also a pretty good writer on occasion. Entertaining to say the least.
Call me a complete sick-o, but I sort of miss the intensity of our determination. Every moment was yet another test of which way we would choose to take our lives, and the next moment was relief that we made it through yet another excruciating experience.
Now I find myself being irritated at him. He doesn’t have the need to prove himself to me anymore so he isn’t. I guess I haven’t changed enough for that to stop mattering to me. I’ll be 75 years old and still pulling the Spoiled Princess card.
My idea of re-building trust, and his don’t exactly meet up. You see, I feel like I still need complete transparency from him. He doesn’t. I feel like I should be able to throw away all *sense* and follow him on his travels to assuage my fears that he will mess around. He doesn’t.
I’m holding on to a lot of bitterness again. A year ago, I was willing to let anything slide, just to keep him around. Now I’m getting pickier. He is doing SO MUCH that is good, but I tend to focus on the questionable behavior. I am so panicked about having the spirit with us at ALL times, but I am driving it away by my judgment and unforgiving heart. Our relationship has deepened dramatically. I don’t hang on his every word and movement to define me, and we can spend many happy hours together without one mention of The Gay. I am certainly grateful for that.
Maybe one year from now, I will look back and see how much further I have come. I’m certainly grateful beyond measure for the leaps and bounds we as a couple have made this year. I’m certainly grateful for the blog comments and emails that, in a few precious instances, have turned into dear, wonderful friendships.
I’m certainly grateful for my dearest Husband who is still sharing my bed, my toothpaste, and my heart.
And now, onward!