I try. I really do.

But sometimes this existence is just way more than I can handle.

I’ve got the answers, but today they feel like they are locked up in a box made up of the same 17″ plexiglass that I saw in the shark tank at the Atlanta aquarium last weekend.

Reading an article that Jon Jon the Man had written about.  She talks about how Nephi’s bow broke, so they were starving and so, with God’s help he made a new bow and came home with a smorgasbord-worthy feast for his family.

My bow is broken.  It never really worked in the first place, but I made do with it and got by.  Now it REALLY doesn’t work, but I still attempt to make do.  And it REALLY isn’t working.  Did I mention that?  God has handed me the instructions on how to make the new bow, but it is in a language somewhat different than my native tongue.  It is written in the language of Pure Spirit.  On most days I only speak Human-ness.  My Natural Person keeps jumping in the way of my attempts at construction, throwing shiny, pretty objects in my path to distract me.

I like shiny.  But they are losing their luster. Under the very thin veneer of sparkle, they are dull and heavy.  Things like 15 year grudges, self-pity, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.  I pull out the old bow and try to make use of it.  The old bow is self-indulgence, materialism, food, technology, pouting, yelling, and sleep.

I know this, but I still use that sprung-out, useless bow- to my detriment.  I always come home worse for the wear, exhausted, and empty-handed.

It is SO- WAY past time to throw that useless instrument into the fire and say goodbye.

I think I’ll take a nap first and then see how I feel.

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2 thoughts on “I try. I really do.

  1. Just a quick note.

    I love ya, and am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts that you may someday soon begin to understand the language that He has presented to you to help you construct that new bow.

  2. I know. It’s funny (read sad) how I sometimes like to pull out the old bow even though I know it’s a piece of crap and that I have much better weapons to use. Like a crossbow, or whatever. Still I have to pull out the piece of crap and see if maybe something’s changed and it’s working now. I try to give myself credit and acknowledge that the times that I do pull it out are few and further in between and I more quickly realize it’s uselessness when I do pull it out. I have a feeling that’s true for you too. Lots of love. Happy birthday:)

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