Jack(que)

After I posted the remark about my boyishness, I realized that I had done you a great disservice.  You had caringly and thoughtfully sent me some ideas you had and I turned around and flippantly responded to you.  That was not my original intent.  I apologize.

I have thought about your email a lot, and have had several things that I thought I could share about it, but the days have paled their intensity.  At first, I was really saddened that anyone would find me boyish, because it is a fear of mine.  I kind of do tow the femininity line a bit, but never want to be caught on the masculine side.  (I try to always wear earrings, at least.)  So you caught me in my insecure spot.

(All of this made me think how I must portray myself on this blog.  I would never use the term “rack” in conversation with a human being, yet I find myself using it frequently here.  Maybe some of my writings are thrown out for shock value.  I’ve always been a sucker for attention.)

As far as playing up my boyish looks a bit more, I talked to Mikeal about it.  The essence of his response was that if he wants a guy that badly, he’ll go get one.  Besides, if I were to “masculinize” myself, I still wouldn’t be his type at all.  I’m the one who likes the sensitive, effeminate guys.  His head is turned by the really masculine types.  The whole idea gave him the creeps.  But, who knows?  Maybe deep down he is attracted to my nuances of boyishness.  At any rate, it is a moot point because I am who I am.  And I quite like who I am.  I realize that your suggestions were more for “play” and not to encourage me to change myself for him.

I was really touched by your reaching out to me out of care and connection, and not “scorn or pity.”  I will be honest and tell you that transgendered people confuse and frighten me a bit.  You don’t “fit” into my perception of the world.  But now that I know you a tiny bit, my perception has molded around you to fit you in.  You are just as real and human and good as I am, maybe more so.  I’m glad to know you.  Thank you.

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2 thoughts on “Jack(que)

  1. I used to be afraid of transgendered people. But now that I have one as a close friend, I can say my fears were unfounded and irrational. They’re people just like anyone else, and they contribute to society.

    Mandi, you are perfectly beautiful as a woman, and I didn’t detect any “boyishness” when I met you.

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