Bright Gray

I just posted this on my “other” blog- thought I would share it here to update y’all on where I am these days.

I was just re-reading a few of my last posts.  It is interesting the slight turn my life has taken in the last month since I started taking a new anti-depressant.  Life is no longer a moment to moment struggle, but it has lost a lot of its luster and sparkle.  My drive and urge to do pretty much anything has dwindled, but I’m not upset or depressed about it.  For the first time in my life I feel at ease.

But I don’t know if that ‘s a wholly good thing.  Apathy and ease are close cousins.  I feel relaxed, I feel at peace, I feel okay.  That is good, right?

I think about all of the things I would like to blog about, but find that I have little interest in trudging down to the basement while wasting perfectly good sunlight/sleep time/ laundry/kids/husband/reading time, etc. . .  I also have some bad residual feelings from the last several months of hiding from the world by climbing into cyberspace.  I really found myself retreating into blogland when reality became too much, which was frequent.  So now when I think about blogging, I remember that person that I don’t want to be anymore.

Despite the dulling of my mood, I have had some incredible experiences with my Father in Heaven and His spirit teaching me things that as the scriptures say, “cannot be seen or uttered.”  (something like that anyway. . .)  God really does work in miracles and mysteries that can only be understood through the power of the Holy Ghost.  I wish I could document and share every moment with the world, and am now seeing the urgent need to do so.  It is all true, the stuff I have been taught my whole life, and I am so humbled that I have been blessed with that knowledge.  The cool thing is that it is more real than it ever has been.  I have always been pretty sure it was true, but didn’t really see how or why or really FEEL it to my core.  I’m still a very far distance from “sure knowledge” but I see more now.  I understand so much more, and see the vast amount of work ahead of me to become Me as I was created- not this earthly, natural person that has so successfully covered her up.

I will finish off with this little tidbit: Therapist challenged me to find my “non-negotiables,” the things that keep me in balance.  It is of utmost importance for me to do each and every one of these “non-negotiables” as often as they require to keep my head above water.  I hope that by forming these habits, they become solid character traits which will form my core self into that person I truly am- and I can ease my way back out of the anti-depressant haze.  Who knows- but it sure would be nice.  I do know that much of my depression stems from adversarial voices that prey on my weakness and magnify the bad.  Working on that battle as we speak.

My Non-Negotiables:  Time with “Holy Light”- daily communion with the Spirit: (scripture study, prayer, spiritual books)

Time in nature.  The Light of Christ dwells within all living things.  It is what gives life.  Nature is pure light.  No wonder being in the trees can take my breath away.

Physical exertion. This is why I run.

Nutrition.  Sugar is such the enemy to my world.  Such a bummer.

Social interaction.  Believe it or not, I have tried really hard to actually speak to people rather than text, email, or facebook them.  I’ve also tried to make more of an effort to accept social invites and actually “see” people.  I had no idea it was so important.

I’m supposed to work on Intellectual stimulation, but that is much more difficult.  I try to read informational “brainy” stuff as often as I can, but I sort of lump this one into the inspirational books I read.  They’re pretty heady.

Keeping these all in an important place has improved my life tremendously.  Dramatically.  It shouldn’t have taken the dramatics of a stay in a psych ward to slap me into taking care of myself, but as a mother it is all too easy to put everyone else’s needs above mine.  I have to remind myself that Jesus took time for himself, so I REALLY need to take time for myself.

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3 thoughts on “Bright Gray

  1. Reading this just brought the biggest smile to my face. I often think about you and wonder how my wonderful friend is doing in her struggles. I am so happy to hear that you are finding the good things in this life. I particularly love the list of the Non-Negotiables. I now feel the need to come up with my own.

    And putting yourself before others is difficult. I share the same struggle. I rarely take any time out for me. I always put everyone else’s need before my own. Got to work on that, too.

    Take care, my friend.
    Love ya!

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