It has been a nice couple of days. I find myself enjoying a moment but then throw in the “well, you’re going to have to leave it and go back to your real life you know. . .” thought. Yes it’s important to keep a focus on healing, but it is also important to enjoy the gifts of moments that I am given.
Had an exchange with Dad last night. Dad is a Flight Attendant, and has worked with gay guys his entire life. Dad just discovered his safety in letting out bits emotion only about ten years ago. Dad was very present in my life, but the only emotion I saw in him was happiness and anger. Anger was infrequent.
Every time he calls me, he asks when Husband is getting his vasectomy. It came as quite a shock to me during my first pregnancy how upset he got with worry about my health. Yes, I get dangerously dehydrated and sick, but his level of worry comes as a shock every time. After we had our third kid, his campaign to get Husband “fixed” was stepped up to Presidential campaign levels. Last night, amidst dishes and family members and casual conversations, he said to me; “you know why I want [Husband] to get a vasectomy, don’t you?”
“Yeah, so I don’t get pregnant and sick and die,” I replied.
“Nope. It’s so you don’t have tons of kids and he up and leaves you for the boys in the band.”
“I’ve seen it played out time and time again, and I am crazy worried about you.”
My response was not of gratitude for a loving father, but shame in making my life into such a mess so as to render my Father crazy in worry for his only Daughter. Dad holds a few anchors to my low self image. Not because of anything he has done to undermine my healthy self image, but the brain of mine twists everything into something ugly and negative. I went downstairs into the room I’m staying in and just laid on my bed. Had a conversation with Husband about how “I am such an idiot.”
Mom came down and we had a fantastic conversation. She is and always has been the spiritual rock of our family. She has the ability to shake off her cares and concerns that usually weigh her down when it is time to give someone a doctrinal pep talk. Last night did not disappoint.
She is worried about my blogging. “Yeah, so am I,” I said.
Just so you know my friends out there in blogland- I can’t read your stuff anymore. It is so unhealthy for me to go there. I feel like an ungrateful child to continue to write and expect to be read and not reciprocate the offering- but I’m not getting a lot of positive results anymore. (okay, there are probably five blogs that I read still. It’s not so bad as all that.) But I feel very strongly that it is not helpful to read about lives and choices that reflect a place that I am trying to avoid. Satan is real, and I’ve been trying to ignore that fact.
The bottom line is this: I made covenants to Husband and to God to make this work, regardless of what came my way. Regardless of what doctrine I no longer full-heartedly support. I promised them that I would bring myself, Husband, and any kids that we may have back to the presence of God. Period. I can’t wait ar0und for “the man” to change his policies to better fit what I believe to be true. I must do what I promised to do, with what I have been given- which is an awful lot.
I haven’t been to the temple since June when the “committee in my head” caused me so much grief. I think I may go this week. Anyone want to join me?
On a much brighter and more important note: My Mom came across a pair of Frye boots she had in the 80’s that were still in the box, with the boot inserts/ shape keepers still intact. They totally fit me. I look totally wicked in them. We found out that she could fetch a fair sum for them on ebay, but would only sell them if her “precious” didn’t want them. It took a couple of hours and some coaxing by my hipper, younger cousins to get me to even entertain the thought of wearing such a sassy little number, but watch out all you funeral goers today! I’m ON! (add that to the cute little patent leather loafers and coat I found at dillards for 40% off the SALE price the other day, and I’m on cloud nine!!!) Pictures forthcoming.
(really, it is a bad habit of mine to assume that since you all are gay, you actually care and have a sense of fashion. That is one stereotype that has been obliterated over and over again, and yet, I am very hesitant to let go of it)
On yet another note, I am feeling like the girl who throws a birthday party and nobody shows up! I’m in SALT LAKE!! I traveled 2000 miles to be here. Why is my inbox not overflowing with requests???? I’ve received one offer to meet someone I had never heard of before, and one FB message to call. What is UP?!? This is SO not helping the self esteem issue.
Helped dress Gramma yesterday. Man, she looks GOOD! I kept expecting her to open up her eyes and reach out to me. I did get a little woozy and had to sit down at one point, but Mom and Auntie talked me in to putting on her shoes. Cold clay. Shivers.
I was expecting the experience to be much more emotional. I expected to feel her presence. I’m glad that she’s too busy to fuss around with us. Today will be hard, but I’m very excited to see the whole fam together. I’m excited to speak. I think I give a good talk. I think people enjoy me. Let’s just leave it at that.
ANOTHER note: Through a blogging miracle- one of several, which is why it is so hard to stop the whole blogging experience- I have found a therapist. (thanks thanks thanks Jon Jon.) We finally connected after several missed phone calls and a couple of frantic emails from Husband. When I called her, she was in her car on her way to SLC. (she lives in the Northwest. We are going to skype.) A gift was placed before us to meet face to face. I cannot wait.
After I meet with her, I’m going to venture out to Scott and Sarah’s. I plan to be early, and possibly miss all of the action. We shall see how that goes. . .
It will be a great day. Thank goodness I’ve got the outfit for it.