so now

it’s evening, the pressures of the day have lifted, and I can relax just a bit.

It’s the pressure that kills me.  Even the pressure of getting the dishwasher emptied, the laundry done, the sheets changed, the floors mopped, the toilets scrubbed, the kids nurtured, the party planned, and dinner on the table.

Well, since you put it that way- it does look like a lot.

But people do it ALL THE TIME!

Why can’t I?

Husband spent the greater part of his day calling psychiatric hospitals.  Am I really that bad?  Do I need that sort of help?

Well, nothing I have tried so far is working-

But- there are real CRAZIES there!

I told him that I would go on Saturday.  It’s baby girl’s big hoo-ha Birthday bash tomorrow night, and since she got screwed out of a decent birthday-day, I absolutely cannot mess with her party day.

and I have a haircut tomorrow.  can’t miss that.

I must not be totally insane, or maybe I’m truly insane because it is giving me loads of stress to go to this place we are discussing because it is in the ritzier part of town, and my leisure wear is definitely sub-par.  We’ll have to stop at the mall on our way there.

Am I really that sick?  Can I just grit it out some more?

But until WHAT?  What will change?  The weather?  Eventually, but I still spend a good chunk of my summer days hunkered down in my gloom.

Maybe I’ll go.  I’ll see the truly crazy folks and realize that I AM okay and blessed and smart and all that.  It’s taken me six years for the last experience to fade enough for me to need a re-do.


just- crap.

(btw: thanks for the lurve, but I hardly believe that you wonderful gentlemen know enough about me to make an accurate assessment.  I very much thank you though. )


2 thoughts on “so now

  1. Well, since you put it that way- it does look like a lot. But people do it ALL THE TIME! Why can’t I?

    Some people. But lots of people don’t get everything done, too. Most of them, I’d bet.

    Ask anyone who knows me reasonably well and they’ll tell you I’m a pretty good cook. And I like to cook, too. But most nights it’s take-out or some quick-cook frozen dinner, because there’s just too much to do and I can’t handle it all (and Sarah avoids the kitchen altogether if she can).

    The trick is to know what can be downsized, and to not feel guilty about doing so. 🙂

    Maybe that’s not enough. For a month or two (Nov-Dec last year) I couldn’t even handle the minimum. The nightmare ended but by the time it did I was ready to look for some professional help. If you need help, get help.

    Whatever happens, don’t doubt that the “lurve” is genuine, even when it’s from people who don’t know you all that well. Loving a relative stranger, despite whatever emotional issues she might have, isn’t really that difficult–especially when her goodness and caring is so apparent in her blog posts and in her comments on other blogs around the MoHo community.

    Loving you and praying for you

  2. Been there, done that. I hope you can get the help you need. Sometimes it is good to see others who have it worse, but that should not minimize what you are feeling. Is this something you have dealt with your whole life, or more situational? I know for me, everything hit after both my parents passed away within 10 months of each other, and my dh cheated on me. I crashed and burned, quite badly. I think it is better to get help now while you are still sort of sane, instead of waiting till all you think about is not being around. It WILL get better, you probably know that already, so do what you need to do now, and who gives a rats ass if you get the laundry done. I don’t know about you, but my gay husband still does all our laundry. He can’t NOT do it, it’s a good part of the relationship, at least for me. I would love to say more, but right now you don’t need my story, and we are in different places.

    Just don’t ever feel bad about needing help. I know there will be some, especially within the church that will say you can “pray away the crazy”, but we know better than that.

    Sending “knowing it will get better” life force….

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