I just

want to evaporate.

(THIS IS A DEJECTED, HOPELESS, WOE IS ME MOMENT. )

Where is the eject button?  I’m through with this one.

I know there is a great purpose and all that, but it is just beyond my capabilities to live up to any purpose, let alone a great one.

I have two good days per month.

Several “okay” days.

The rest are painful, gut wrenching, and horrid.

I get the feeling that this isn’t normal.

But what if every other person on the planet is dealing with these exact buckets of muck but I can’t do anything with mine? I just don’t think there is a solution to me.

I can’t just pick up and leave my life, because I will always be wherever I go.  Besides, there’s just no way to go away and leave what I have. It wouldn’t make any sense.  But I can’t keep shoveling my muck on the the helpless bystanders.  My precious kids.  They don’t deserve the weight I have put upon their backs. Husband at least is stronger, and can withstand some pressure- but it is just getting really old for him.  How great is it for him to come home knowing that his sorry wife is about to crumble at any moment.

1) I go back on meds and back into the fog.  At least I’m not SO bad.  Just not good, either.  But maybe if I work the diet with the meds I’ll get better results.

2) Therapy- ug.  There is a necessary baseline of human ability to make the words and theories work.  I have nothing to give.

3) pack my bags.  I just can’t.

I made an appt with a psychiatrist- not a good one, but he’s all I have access to- in March.  Can I wait that long?  Husband has two weeks of travel coming up.  Will he have a family to come home to?  Yes, we will be here.  I’m just being dramatic.

SO TIRED of fighting to get so little result.

What is the answer?

I try to take things one step at a time, but it’s been about 22 years of this, and I’m no further ahead.  Is this what my life will amount to at the end?  Constant struggle? Not just struggle, but the SAME struggle.  Over and Over and Over. . .

bootstraps.  here we go.

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3 thoughts on “I just

  1. I wish I knew what I could do to help lift you up. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. I can’t say that I totally know what it is like to be you. All I can do is offer my full and unwavering support in whatever decisions you may make.

    I hope you always know how loved you are in this world. So many people out here love you beyond belief! Your kids and hubby have such an unconditional love for you…that has been evident since I have met you all.

    As always, I will be here for you if you need some place to unload and vent.

    Nothin’ but love for ya!

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