the door

Now, before you go reading the next post, be aware that as of today, and yesterday, and kind of the day before that, I’m not in that place.  Mostly.

Actually, I’m kind of in a good place.  I am finding that there are more choices when it comes to my mental focus and my mood than I had ever been aware of.

There are choices in how I deal with my marriage.  The brain is an incredible hunk of mush.  “All I’ve got to do is” stop the damaging thought by changing my outlook.

Case in point:

Yesterday morning Husband came into the kitchen and questioned a choice I had made.  Very inconsequential choice, but enough to send me down the drain.  After a few tears, and a silent plea to the gods of my sanity, I saw a door open.  I had a choice whether to walk through it, or to remain in the swirls.  The door represented clarity, energy, life.  The swirls represented comfortable darkness.  I usually am so caught in the swirls I don’t notice the door.  I am noticing the door.  I take a few steps toward it, but hesitance pulls me back.  I take a few more steps, determined to ignore the hands at my feet, and soon, as in minutes, I’m okay.  Completely okay.

Is this what separates me from the truly insane?  My ability to see the door?

The door has presented itself multiple times over the past few days.  As I choose it, the hands lose their grip.  The choice becomes clearer and easier to make.  I worry (of course I do-) that the doors won’t always be so obvious.  I know that when my female hormones kick in again in a matter of days, that the choices will be muddied again and I’ll become the raving lunatic that my kids are so familiar with.  (Husband will be lucky this month, travel is picking him up out of this mess.)

Even “the gay” is taking on a new form.  A smaller one.  Gay is a personality trait.  Gay is why Husband is so attuned to emotion and willing to walk with me.  Gay is not a road block or a menacing beast keeping me from what I want.  (Well, mostly. . .)  Husband is Husband.  Gay isn’t what makes him.

I like this door.  I think I’ll paint it high gloss fuchsia and get some kickin’ hardware for it.


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