stepping away

So, we made it past my last bout of ugliness and are back swimming along famously.

With that, I have felt an increase of adverse effects by the onslaught of negative and unhappy posts out there in the queerosphere.  I can’t read anymore.  I’m glad we all have a place to vent and share and attempt to understand ourselves, but the anonymous relationships we all have built are just too flimsy.  Perhaps relying on them is the problem. (Those of you who are reading this aren’t the ones writing the blogs in question, fyi.  There’s the real irony.)

I love the friends I’ve made through this.  But I feel too much and take on too much.  I feel your pain and have no power to help.

I have to focus on building strength where strength will hold.  I need real voices, real faces, real bodies to interact with.  There is a place for blogging, but my blog experience has lost its place.  I just have to put it back where it belongs.  Then I’ll be okay.

Writing- I don’t have many spare moments to focus and reflect without kids either reading over my shoulder, or sitting on my lap and driving cars on the keyboard.  Little mutts- they need more of my face, less of the back of my head staring at a screen.  Even this post- through editing has become too disjointed to follow, and the original intent has become muddled because I can’t shut out Star Wars playing on the computer next to mine.

Don’t worry, I give it a day or two before I get back in the swing of things.  I’m addicted to the pain of reading other’s misfortune and bad choices.



12 thoughts on “stepping away

  1. You summed up my recent feelings so beautifully. This world is interesting, but the let-it-all-hang-out and share-all-your-innermost-thoughts-in-the-name-of-honesty culture is getting to me. I don’t think people should paint a veneer on their lives to make them seem happier than they are, it just seems like so many people focus on the negative in their blogs (maybe because it’s the part they don’t focus on in public), and I, not knowing them (and therefore, not knowing the positive parts of their lives) just get so dragged down by it all, and depressed, because I see people self-destructing, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I think I need to cut back, too.

  2. I have been worried about you as of late. I knew you had been “silent” in the electronic world. I understand the connection you get through this blogosphere. I have felt the same thing for so many I have never met.

    Also, never doubt that you are a great mom. Having seen how you interact with your kids, and the constant affection they have for you, I can attest to the love you have for them.

    Take care of yourself and you know where to find me.

    Love ya guys!

  3. Well, don’t be gone to long, I will miss you to much. I was thinking the other day, I need to do some positive blogging. A MOM does have a positive side too.
    Enjoy your break.
    Big Bror Hug
    P.S. I am still freezing my arse off.

  4. I could eat you up, I love you so!


    p.s. I love the fact that I can type whatever name I fancy in your comment box. 🙂 Thanks, it gave me a chance to crack myself up. (I know, gag)

      • Yes, I did see that movie. And, I’m not sure how I felt about it; I’m inclined to hate it, yet at the same time it hits something inside. I left the theatre stressed, anxious, and unsettled. It was difficult to watch- it dealt with… a lot. But it was very well-done, I think. And I care for the music quite a lot. 🙂

  5. Wow, I just discovered you, Amazing! I grew up Mormon, knew I was gay very young but loved the Gospel and persevered through a mission and BYU. I was engaged twice and have a best girl friend from the Y who fell in love with me just as I started coming out. We have since remained the closest of friends, it has been nearly 20 years. Now I am married to a man 9 years with three children of our own. I donated sperm for my best friend and we have two children together. There has always been a tinge of frustration and tension between us but I am glad we have remained to close. Reading your blog, I sent it to here immediately. It just feels like the future we narrowly avoided. I don’t mean to skewer your choice to love your husband or remain in the marriage but you give such an honest account that I’m relating to a life that might have been my own. I wish you nothing but the best and will be rooting for you from afar. Good luck! P.S. what an amazing film your story would make. When I read the post where you confront a family friend whom your husband cheated with, I swear I practically flashed the whole screen play in my mind. You’re living a life so many live, yet so few ever relate or talk about. Thank you

    • I’m never sure how to feel about comments like yours.
      However, I’m sure I would feel great if I were to make millions off of my story.

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