I can’t believe I forgot our anniversary! How could it possibly have happened? I think about you almost every single day, and I see you about that often too! Can you believe it has been a whole year? I sure can’t.
A year ago, I spent much of my days conjuring up ways to ruin your life. I had a few good ideas- some better than others- and I think I told you about a few like; writing “fag” on your lawn in gasoline and lighting it on fire, keying “I sleep with guys” in the side of your truck, making a friendly lunch date with your wife and telling her all of the dirty details of your life during the past several months, (that was when I thought it had only lasted months not years.)
But, I didn’t do any of that. I didn’t do it because deep down, I’m a decent person, and deep down, I really liked you. I was so hurt that you would do this to ME. ME of all people. The me who you called on the phone nine times a day. The ME who you secretly checked up on when Husband was out of town- before I knew there was a YOU.
I vividly recall that Monday morning after Husband broke up with you. I deliberately sought you out under the guise of dropping off your son’s Christmas gift that you were storing at our house. I deliberately made myself look good that morning because, even though you are gay, you would notice.
You looked pathetic. Pitiful. Ridiculously immature and hollow. All you could say was, “I’m so sorry.” I told you that I didn’t hate you, because I didn’t. I don’t. I think you are incapable of introspection, and act merely to satisfy your own urges. I told you that you were the most selfish person I had ever met, that you give to get. All you could do was look at me and say “I’m so sorry.” It wasn’t anywhere near enough.
That weekend, I was stupid enough to think that a night out at a hotel would be good for Husband and I. I kept telling him that I had no “expectations” and that we were just getting away to be together. I lied. I needed him to show me that he wanted me. It was awful. It put him in an unfair situation which made him feel guilt beyond that which he was already enduring. It fed into my already all-consuming insecurities. But it put us on a path that would eventually lead to total honesty and better understanding.
Something else that came from this experience was that I realized that I was truly miserable, and not LIVING. For many years I had been going through the motions of life, blaming my medication and trying to adjust the dosage to accomodate my moods. Nothing worked. I decided to quit the medication. If I could survive learning that my Husband, dearest confidant, best friend, only lover, would cheat on me, I surely could survive the ravages of my own brain.
I could and I can.
You know what? I thank you. I thank you for opening my eyes to the realities of my marriage- that Husband is dearer and more precious than I had realized, and that he deserved more than I was giving him. I don’t blame myself (much) for his wandering away- he knew I didn’t have a penis when he married me after all. I know now that he has needs that can’t just be masturbated away. I hope there isn’t another you. But, I am aware now how high the chances are that there will be. I am determined to do what little I can to steer us away from it. I thank you for that.
I thank you for treating me like a valuable friend, and being so good to our kids. Underneath it all, you have a good heart.
When we spoke last summer, I begged you to think of me and the kids the next time you were tempted to give your number to a married man. You told me that Husband was the last time you would ever do such a thing, and I hope you meant it.
Like I said before, I still think of you more often than I would like, but the pain has softened substantially. I miss the fun we all had together, and have had a tough time not calling you once in a while. I hate how much Husband misses you. I hope that by the time we reach our 2nd anniversary he will have begun to not miss you quite so much.
I wish you and your wonderful wife and son a Merry Christmas. I hope that someday you can let yourself feel the redeeming love of your Savior. It is because of Him that I can get out of bed each morning and see a happy future with my husband.