. . . is this weekend.
The adult sessions in my experience have been really good, if I get over the two hours of drive time involved, the dressing up on a Sat. night, the process of getting a sitter, and giving up time with my own desires.
I highly doubt the babysitter issue will come up this time because I highly doubt Husband has any intent of going. He has already stated that Sat. will be project day- getting more stuff finished so WHEN this house sells, we will be ready to pack up and head out. Add that to all of the above, and you have my current quandary:
Should I go?
I do this crazy whacked-out thing when Husband starts to (even a teeny tiny little bit) pull away from Church activity: I compensate. Well, I try to. If he isn’t totally active, then I have to be Super-Active to make up for it. It doesn’t make any sense. If I feel like I need church activity in my life, I should make it happen. Why do I get all freaky if he isn’t right exactly where I think he should be? Who am I to make those kinds of judgments? How could extra effort on my part change anything anyway?
I have held it together (for the most part) with him being out of my clutches this week. It helps that for the first couple of days he had no free time.
I tell myself that it will take time to trust him again.
I’m waiting. . .
Is there some sort of pro-activity I could be participating in to help this trust-building? To sort of urge it along? I feel like I am holding on the hurt he caused me- like I hold on to my depressive negative thoughts. They are comfortable, they justify my lack of ambition and give purpose to my anger.
If I just let it all go, I could get hurt again.
Let’s face it though: I will get hurt again. I will cause hurt again. So my purpose shouldn’t be to guard myself from hurt, but to learn how to rebound from it.
Is there a part of rebounding from hurt that is actually protecting your heart? Do I have to be on guard? I don’t want to be on guard. I want to love freely. I want to accept love, and give love, and feel it coursing through me. I think this all has something to do with my relationship with Christ, and putting His love in front. I keep Him front and center and He puts up the shields as necessary. Do I trust Him to do that? Is that really all it takes?
In my experience, for me to turn it to Him, all I have to do is mentally make that change, and then keep checking back on it to make sure it’s still there, where it needs to be. Can I maintain such a thing? Will I do it?
All of this over a decision to go to a meeting. Geesh!
Who wants to go to dinner instead? For anyone who wants to meet me in Nashville, I’ll buy!