change takes time.

11 months ago, Husband went to visit with the Stake President- we went with him since his office is 90 miles away.  The drive home was quiet, but uncharacteristically, I didn’t pry (too much.)  We had been invited to a friend’s house for dinner, but husband stayed home.  When I got home, he was ready to talk, and there began our journey.

10 months ago, I decided to stop taking Zoloft.  I had been taking it for 13 years, but for the last two or three years, I had begun falling into slumps that wouldn’t really end.  If I could handle this kind of misery while medicated, I was pretty sure I could handle the misery un-medicated.  Bring on the taper!

9 months ago, a dear friend shared her experience with anti-depressants and food.  I began a new diet which completely transformed me within 48 hours.  Husband came home from a trip to a new wife.  “This is it,” I thought, “I’m healed!”

8 months ago, I succumbed and ate a sleeve of Town House crackers.  I just don’t have it in me to go without satisfying my gut just to save something as meager as my sanity.

7 months ago, I realized that I hadn’t forgiven Husband.  In fact, I was really super ticked off and bitter about what he had done, and what it meant for my life.  All of that feel-good forgiveness blathering I had been doing for months was just talk.  Hopeful, wishful talk.  The Zoloft was out of my system, I was eating the foods that would add to my depression, and I had very little left to cling to.

6.5 months ago, Husband came rushing home from work after his sister had called him, concerned for my safety.  The presence of protection was palpable.  The boys were safe and I was still alive.  After that day, I decided to train for a half marathon- something so uncharacteristic as a goal to work toward was inspired.  Unquestionably.  I also began taking a new anti depressant.

6 months ago, I went on a weekend trip with six of my greatest friends from childhood.  Unbeknownst to me, this weekend laid the groundwork for an ablilty to accept, understand and eventually love the experiences which were about to come into my life.

5.5 months ago, Husband dropped another bomb.  Many of the perceptions that held the marriage intact were shattered.  We had to determine the direction of our lives.

4 months ago, uncontrollable thoughts threatened me once again.  I asked Husband to move out.  I thought I needed hospitalization to keep myself and my loved ones safe.  Once again; intervention.  I stopped the anti-depressant and within one day I could see again.

One month ago, a casual acquaintance invited me out to dinner with a group of her friends.  I accepted.  I felt intimidated and out of place, but that was normal for me.  What wasn’t normal was that there was a faint glimmer of self-acceptance.

One month ago, I ran a half marathon.  I crossed the finish line literally into the arms of my dearest and most precious Husband.

Today I am still me.  I have persistent negative thoughts.  I struggle to be productive.  I wonder about what Husband is doing.  (sorry JC- yes, I am a tad bit psycho.)  BUT there are changes.  Positive changes.  Yes, I did drop the F-bomb at my kids yesterday. But, I apologized after I cooled down, and then spent several good hours with each of my kids individually.  (I will be the first to admit that my parenting is far from stellar.)  My life is beginning to revolve around something other than Husbands gayness- A difficult habit to break.

I began reading the Sunstone article JonJon posted about meditation and the spirit.  This stuff takes time.  I am too impatient to wait for for change.  I want it to occur SOON!  if not NOW!  I worry too much.  If I don’t see the change I want to see, I panic.

Here’s something that doesn’t make sense:

I’ve been freaking out, panicking, hyperventilating about Husband and his activity in the Church.  I spent the last five months sickened in panic that our eternal marriage/ eternity is over.  I’ve been trying, with many levels of success, to accept his commitment as it is.  I’ve opened my heart and mind and spirit to the fact that the “truth” as I saw it is not exactly true.  It has been a horribly painful path, but I have found immense amounts of strength and comfort in my God and my Savior.  I’m closer to them than ever.  I’ve had to be.

But now, that trial is minimizing, and I am missing it.  I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished the change that I wanted to, and without the external stimuli that Husband’s struggle provides, I won’t be as intent or focused on the change.  I don’t want to accept it all as I had before.  It is too easy to slip into 35 years of habit.

Not asking for more struggle.

Maybe I am.

After 11 months of unsure, certainty is just another adjustment to make.

I feel like I should say that Husband’s steadiness has had a powerful effect on me.  Steady?  Him?  I know!  It is my conversations with him that have brought me from the brink a million times over.  His presence is exactly right.

By the way, I’m contemplating going private.


10 thoughts on “time

  1. I don’t think you are psycho in the least little bit. I completely understand where you are coming from.

    From everything I heard about you today, I am simply in awe of just how incredible you truly are.

    Just thought you should know!

    Take care!

  2. So what if you are psycho? who says that’s a bad thing?

    You and Sarah have a lot in common (you’re both married to a gay guy, for one) :). I enjoy reading your perspective, because I think it helps me understand her better.

    Thank you.

  3. I, too, am psycho at times. I think it’s ok to be that way. We have a lot of stress in our lives. I hate that my “psychoness” makes my husband feel bad though. I wish I could be all-accepting and have total peace with how things are.

    Your post really hit home. I have been having panic attacks over our “eternal” marriage, wondering if that’s what it really is. I often wonder if it’s worthwhile to be in this marriage, if it’s not going to be everlasting. What’s the point? What’s the point of stressing over the church and my husband’s lack of activity (mine too) if we can’t be together forever anyway. My big question is this…If being gay extends beyond this earthly life, will either of us really want to be in this sometimes tumultuous marriage forever? I think not. So, WHAT’S THE POINT? What a hard question for me to answer.

    I do know that I WILL feel better if I really get close to Jesus Christ. I know this, yet I choose not to do the things I know will help me. Do I love being sad and stressed? I hope not.

    I love your posts. They say almost everything I feel. I appreciate your honesty. If you go private, please include me.

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