Existence in my world was getting rough- with no percievable end in sight. I was crumbling quickly. Thankfully it was Saturday, and Husband would be home. I had all day to do the jobs at hand but with the luxury of my emotional cushion to catch me when my feet got wobbly.
I went to the bakery and got a cupcake.
It was raining.
I spent too much money on junk we don’t need.
I left a lot of stuff undone.
The kids galloped in and out of the rooms I was in- blessedly oblivious.
Meals were prepared, and night came.
We find ouselves propped up in bed, poised for prayer or a movie or sleep on many nights. This is our window of opportunity for one of us to melt. I say one of us because each of us has been blessed with an innate ability to be okay when the other isn’t.
This night it was my turn.
The kids, the marriage, the house, the weather, the race, the finances, the church, the family, the friends. All demanding my heart and mind which was completely unavailable.
Husband/Cushion had the gift to contain the melting mess that was overflowing out of me. He took me into his arms and said those words.
“You cannot possibly solve any of that right now. Just be here, in this moment, with me.”
I began to argue, as I have always done in the past. But for some reason, I listened.
The last week has been the best run of good days I can recall.
Last night we had a small hiccup, but it didn’t kill me as it may have threatened to do in the past. I knelt and asked for the help I needed to make it a good night- to not rob the kids of yet another holiday festivity. However, I didn’t just sit there and wait for the goodness to come to me. I meditated and laid out the path I would most like to take to arrive at my destination: this is what I want to have happen, and this is how I think I can get there.
As I told God about my plans, the feeling came. The sweet, exhilirating pure love that only He can show to me.
I’m not powerless in directing my life- as much as I would like to be. I’ve given God too much responsibility and the subsequent blame for my failures.
It was only carving pumpkins. But because of my own brain, my own power, and God’s love, it was a great night.
And when Husband began to melt, I was there to catch the drips.
Just be here, in this moment, with me.