True to Husband’s heritage (the gay heritage, that is) he loves Barbara Streisand. And Dolly Parton. Not a fan of Liza though.
So there is this old Barbara song that he has had for years and years and years. We were listening to it in the car the other night and I finally listened to the words. Babs really knows what she is talking about:
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well
Wasn’t it good?
Wasn’t he fine?
Isn’t it madness
He can’t be mine?
But in the end he needs
A little bit more than me —
He needs his fantasy
I know him so well.
No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide.
Looking back I could
Have played things
Some other way
Looking back I could
Have played it
Learned about the man
Before I fell
I was just a little
But I was
Ever so much
Now at least
Now at least
I know him well
He won’t be mine?
Didn’t I know
How it would go?
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?
It took time to understand him
I know him so well
(You music purists: yes, this is from Chess- and yes, I did cut out some of the repeats and didn’t distinguish where one person is singing from the other. I’m not a purist, so I made it work the way I like it and how it suits me.)
I think you can draw your own conclusions as to how this song makes me feel.
The rain is taking its toll on me, and I must be getting hormonal because the emotions are HIGH today. There are a few things in our relationship that were not quite as pressing, that we decided to put on the back burner until it became necessary to look at them. Well, it’s becoming necessary to deal with them now, and I feel like I’m back at square one. All these months of work and tears and pain and then finally beginning to see light, and here I am AGAIN!
My foundation is more secure now. I believe now that Husband does love me enough to stick around- that my life is no longer teetering on the precipice of disaster- and that makes this time around much less agonizing. It took me a bit to realize that through the tears and frustration while we were discussing the issue at hand. There still are no concrete answers or solutions, and exploring our options is pretty painful, but this bridge is ready to be crossed. I’ll be taking the smallest steps I can.
I’m totally not making any sense. Here’s an anecdote:
Husband and I had a whole 32 hours to ourselves two weekends ago when we ran our race. It began pretty rocky. I have a lot of hang ups and am trying to fix everything all at once which leads to massive amounts of anxiety and insecurity- SO I was weirded out about all kinds of stuff. It didn’t start out well, needless to say. It did get much better- post race endorphins melted the ice and we ended up having a fantastic day together.
In the process of the day, I mentioned that it is just really hard to hear him talk about his gay needs when I know that he will never love me like he would love a man.
Stop the presses.
That isn’t true?
You mean that emotionally your love for me is of the same intensity as it would be/has been with men? For real? (we are talking emotions right now- not sex- and I know there is some male emotional fulfillment necessary as well. Totally aware of all of that- just talking about ONE aspect here.)
Well, that makes things a little bit easier. I had assumed that since he is gay, and that he longs for all things male, that anything I would have to offer (which, obviously, is female) would be less desirable and less fulfilling. This was a tough pill to swallow. Finding out that the pill is much smaller has allowed me to come closer to swallowing it.
I still catch myself falling into the old thought patterns- but slowly am coming to realize and believe him when he tells me he loves me that he is here to stay. Knowing this has also made it possible to look at this other issue and confront it. Well, sort of. At least I can look at it and not crumble completely.
Yes- things are not what they were. They are much, much better.
Sorry Babs, he CAN be mine.