I feel optimistic.
Isn’t that the intent? I should be able to feel optimistic.
I I I I I. Me. I’m feeling good, and I’m thinking about myself and my needs and wants. And that isn’t wrong. I’m shedding the shackles of “should” and feeling the air of “want.”
Night times are hard. I get grouchy and impatient and want everything done so I can go do MY stuff. However I am missing out on some of life’s greatest moments with the precious angels. Last night I forced myself to stop rushing and to literally breathe them in. They are so full of light- pure light- and it’s there for the taking.
I got Boog out of the tub, rolled him up in his towel and just squoze him and sucked all the light and happy out of him I could possibly get. Then I did the same with HM. We read stories and sing songs every night, but I took my time with it. I laid aside the list of ME stuff I wanted to get to and just became present in the moment. They sense it. They know when I’m not present. I drank them in and then when it was time for ME, I was happier and more ready to enjoy myself.
I have to stop forcing life to happen. I have to stop forcing Husband to follow my rhythm. Maybe if I stop forcing it, we will fall into sync. But then again, maybe we won’t. THAT is why I can’t let go- the maybes, the what-ifs.
35 years of “shoulds” is taking its toll on me. It is hard to differenciate between what is real, and what isn’t. God isn’t interested in leading me in all things, but I fall back on Him so I can shirk responsibility for my decisions.
I believe prayer should be a meditation- a moment to focus my energy and intent for the day. Prayer should be used as a “time out” to re-focus and slow down to gain perspective. God can speak to me if He chooses, or sees a need, but I should be willing and ready to proceed whether or not He chimes in. I’m always grateful for the assistance, but He gave me a sound mind and a whole boatload of trust to do what needs to be done.
ugh! Serving and doing good is paramount to creating and maintaing a positive co-existence in this world. We must help and do for one another. Deep down, I believe we all want to help others on some level- but being told that I MUST serve has really clouded that inherent desire. I believe that God has instituted the Church to help us come to Him- to be our best selves- to be happy- but that structure has hampered many from accomplishing that core objective. If I look at myself and what I want- helping is very near the top of the list. I just want to do it on my terms. I’m not big on schedules. I’m not big on routine. I live by emotion with a little pragmatism thrown in for good measure. So when you tell me that I MUST do this by this date and do it in this way, I’m thrown.
I also like to please and get a lot of my identity from the approval of others, so when I don’t do what I’ve been asked to do, I feel awful. Then I resent the person asking, and then I feel worse, and then you don’t wonder why so many Mormon women are on anti-depressants. It’s because of so many SHOULDS that cloud the WANTS that are actually already there.
I have no great ideas as to how to fix the system, but I am going to fix my system. I’m going to find the wants- to unearth them and let them breathe. Once the wants are comfortably breathing on their own, I will start throwing in a few little shoulds and see how they all get along.
I want the Church to be a part of my life. I want my kids to grow up in the Church- but with the knowledge of the Gospel. I want them to know of their inherent goodness and choice and freedom that will allow them to love the Church even more because they won’t feel controlled by it. Remember whose plan it was to practice control?
Speaking of control:
codependence. My middle name. Remember what I was just writing about? About letting Husband go? Well, since day one I have had major issues with movies. It began at conception I believe because I remember being in 6th grade and leaving a friend’s party because they were watching Fright Night and I thought it was inappropriate.
Husband loves movies. I love them too, but he likes movies that I feel very strongly are inappropriate. If he watches a movie that I don’t particularly agree with, I freak out and it messes with me for days. I KNOW I should let it go. I cannot let it go.
Can somebody please fix this?