Trudging

Things go well, and then they don’t, and then I pick up and trudge along with determination.
Torrential rain for weeks on end make it difficult to trudge. Injuries that prevent me from running add to the difficulty.
Wondering about the General RS Broadcast tonight. I’m not interested in “rubbing shoulders” with my fellow sisters, nor in the two hours of drive time, the “catered dinner” or the talent show that accompany the conference. I think it’s gonna be date night with myself. Take the laptop and find a hotspot. Maybe over a nice cup of coffee. 🙂
For some reason, I have no tolerance for my fellow ward members right now. I’ve always struggled with this ward, but since I’ve allowed myself to question it all, everything has found a place to settle- except for the people. Still working on that. Even people I once loved deeply seem to embody much of what I dislike about Church members- the judgement, the unrealistic expectations, the pseudo-happiness that is required to walk through the chapel doors. . . Wow! I sound really bitter and angry!

I’m just trying to find my happy place in the Gospel. I’m trying to get rid of the traditions, the Philosophies of Men and the misconceptions that have clouded my ability to feel the Spirit, and know Christ’s love. I have become the person I always feared: the person who came to Church on their own terms- the person who could take or leave attendance at the annual Visiting Teaching Conference and Enrichment Night. Church activity has always been a requisite. Now that It’s not, I can’t help but feel a little bit rebellious. I think I am doing it a bit out of rebellion- freeing myself from the shackles of “have to” is liberating.  I have found some “want to” in all this mess. It’s the “want to” that Christ wants from us.
Wednesday Night is Activity Days night for Daughter and I cringed as I went inside the church to get her this week. It is sheer bedlam on activity nights. The kids all run crazy, the adults ignore them, and my precious Daughter is on her absolute worst behavior. There isn’t a girl in her group that isn’t a spoiled misbehaved ungrateful brat. I don’t exaggerate. Well, maybe one girl. It is a small group, and they bring out the worst in each other. After this week, I was convinced that I should sign her up for Girl Scouts and take her out of Activity Days. But I just cant bring myself to it. As crappy as the girls are, it is a great program, and I adore her leader. She is a great woman. (okay, so she doesn’t bug me- there’s one!) We can’t even switch groups when we move, because both wards meet together since we are so small. I trust God to take care of the damage that association with these kids may cause. Is that a proper exercise of my faith?
Husband is battling urges that he doesn’t see any solution to. He came home clean from his last trip- a fact to which I am extremely grateful. I worry how long he can keep this up. I worry how long I can keep this up. We spent the evening tangled up with each other in the chair in our bedroom talking about the weeks events. I need that time with him to recharge- to be near him- to be reminded why we do this. I just adore that guy.

Here’s to trudging!

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4 thoughts on “Trudging

  1. Hi. I stumbled across your blog last night, and read through a good portion of it. I have to say I feel something of a kinship with you–not that I would even pretend to understand what you are dealing with, but because you are in an impossibly hard situation, and you seem to be undergoing a change in your faith. I am in that position as well–my baby is chronically ill with an untreateable disease that will someday take his life. I am in a constant state of DEFCON 1, and it is killing me. My old perceptions of my faith are being ripped away, and I am attempting to rebuild, much in the same way it sounds like you are. I will be following your blog. I know it’s not at all the same thing, and I cannot understand what you struggle with, but I wanted to tell you that someone out there can at least empathize with the impossible situation.

  2. Hi. I just tried to post and it wouldn’t let me! Take two.

    Ok. I stumbled across your blog last night, and I read through most of it. I wanted to tell you that I can sympathize with a lot of what you’re dealing with–not the SGA, but the impossibly difficult situation. I’m not trying to empathize–I wouldn’t even pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I do get the situation. My baby has a horrible, incurable disease that will some day take his life. I live in a constant state of DEFCON 1, and it is killing me, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I have had my faith ripped down, and I am in the slow, difficult process of attempting to rebuild it–it seems like you might be in the same sort of place.

    I empathize with the struggle. I will be following your blog–I feel something of a kinship with you, if it’s not too much to say so. Here’s hoping we learn to adjust to our situations. I know I need some peace.

  3. I know what you mean about it getting frustrating to be around certain church people after you’ve been willing to take the rose colored glasses off and question. I think for me the frustration comes from showing up there and feeling like I have to pretend and put up a front like everyone else and that now feels dishonest to me. I’ve been working on showing up with my new truth as myself without trying to fit into the mold. I’ve found that as I’m more genuine and it almost gives others the permission to do the same. Not everyone, of course, but I think a lot of people have a desire to be unplugged from the matrix when they see others who have been freed from it:)

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