Men!

I am sickened by a certain blogger (who shall remain nameless even though I want to hunt him down and slowly, publicly castrate him) who refuses to tell his wife about his struggles. It is one thing to struggle, and to not want to look at it- to not want to drag your beloved down into your sadness, and possibly lose everything. That is humongous and awful, and I hurt for the countless who are enduring it every day. I am one of them.
HOWEVER, I have no patience for this “man” who engages in fantasies- publicly airing his erotic desires for others to find their own personal pleasure. All of the “what if’s” and “I wonders” that he pollutes his blog with.
I understand that these blogs are all about having a safe place to air our hurts and frustrations- but I see the MOHO blog experience as a place to find healing, not an audience for your own voyeuristic pleasure.
He has made it quite clear that he has no interest in discussing the merits of letting his wife into his world. He claims it is because he doesn’t want to hurt her- that he wants to “get a handle” on his feelings before he involves her. But I believe that he also doesn’t want to give it up. If he lets her in then he would either have to a) admit that he needs to find healing and a way to change enough to keep their marriage honest, or b) leave. Who wants that?
Obviously I didn’t stop reading his blog after the first (several) offensive things I read. Part of me was looking for hope in something he may have written. The other part of me, I admit, found it morbidly exciting. Let’s just leave it at that.
I’m at a point in my life where I am trying not to judge others. I’m not doing a very good job, obviously.
But if you by chance are a man who is living a double life behind your wife’s back, I strongly encourage you to admit that you aren’t fooling anybody. She most likely knows something is seriously wrong, and most likely, like most women, is blaming herself. This will end in disaster. Unless you come to her with a willing and open heart, you WILL lose the very thing you are trying to preserve with your secrets. The thing that will hurt her the most is the secrecy, not the actions.
Is that clear enough?

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18 thoughts on “Men!

  1. You could not have said that better. I lived with the secretes for several years, and yes, I BLAMED myself for an issue and problem that had nothing to do with me. Furthermore it turned me into a very angry person because I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what, and HE was not talking. It was so relieving when he told me because finally things made sense. And then I could work on letting go of the angry, and focusing on how we move forward.

  2. I have a good idea who you are referring to – and I merely ask that you consider not judging him so harshly.

    Those of us who come out to ourselves late in life often need come to terms with being gay ourselves before we involve our spouses. For me, it was a few months – but for others it can take a couple of years.

    To try to involve the spouse before we’ve come to terms with which path we should take could end in disaster because of the uncertainty – and could end up forcing us down a different path than we would otherwise take.

    Just my $0.02 – please don’t blast me too hard

  3. Amen sister! Having been in both situations–being somewhat oblivious to hubby’s secret life and blaming myself (and him blaming me trying to cover his tracks) but knowing something was up, and then having full disclosure and honesty–I can attest that living in the second situation is so much better. Any Mohos in MOMs, please be honest with your wives. It may be hard, but living in lies doesn’t bring much peace…honesty does.

  4. Jon- There are definitely many different sides to this issue, and I don’t have a problem with figuring things out and getting on a more solid foundation before bringing another life into it. It is the fantasy and eroticism that he publicly engages in that really irks me. He is creating pornography- the very thing that so many men are trying to avoid. They fall into it by virtue of trying to help, or looking for solace in a common thread. I absolutely appreciate your point of view- and I hope you don’t take my opinion to be against you in any way. I want the exposure of differing opinions.

    • One more thing I thought I’d point out. A phenomena that many of us who ‘come out’ later in life experience is “gay adolescence”. That is, we are chronologically well past our teenage years – but our newly aware gay self is starting all over again with self discovery. Like all teenagers, gay adolescents sometimes do stupid things. I’m not excusing it, just trying to explain it …

    • Oh, and I’m not offended by your comments in any way. I just wanted to offer a different point of view to round out the discussion.

      After all, I too am a man – and us men gotta stick together 🙂

  5. I completely agree. When my wife was not in the “know” I kept my struggles and thoughts to myself. To be openly out there seems to be a form of cheating in my mind because she doesn’t know.

    Recently I read a helpful definition for intimacy – intimacy is the amount of yourself that you share with another person. Generally we think of intimacy as physical interaction, but in truth it goes so much deeper than that. There isn’t hardly a single thing that we don’t know about each other – especially since discloser.

  6. I’m fairly sure I know who you are referring to. He did realize he was wrong and delete his photos. I think is is a good man, but totally agree that he should open up to his wife. As has been mentioned, it takes some of us longer than others. I thought my wife wasn’t strong enough and that I had to protect her from the truth. What a lie that was. Sharing my life with her literally saved my life. She is my strength and finally my best friend because I can now share all of me with her.

    Your passionate message is spot on.

  7. Should I put in my 2 cents? First & foremost, ADORE you babe.
    Since MH knew prior to our marriage, it was easy to slide along. She always knew when I was struggling. We’d talk about it in generalities because I didn’t want to “burden” her too much. But, when I finally was able to come to myself & be completely honest with her, that is where I finally found peace. I found ME! I had to be broken though. I wish I would have figured it out along time ago. This principle is what I have come to LOVE about earth life, we are just here trying to find our way. It is totally OK, in my opinion, for this fellow to be feeling out for answers (he seems to be asking but not wanting help). Do I agree with how he’s doing it? Will people get hurt in the process? HIS PATH! HIS CHOICE! Having walked a bit in similar shoes, I’m not so worried about him. I DO have great pain for his wife but I also have great pain for him. The big thing that MH struggled with when I came clean was I didn’t trust her enough to lay it all out in the first place. I have to agree with her point that total honesty IS 100% the best policy. BUT I had to get there on my own & again, I regret not getting here sooner, but we’re here now. We still have MILES to go. One step at a time. “it’s just a ride” – “there’s what’s right & what’s right and never the twain shall meet”

    Something that is funny in our situation is that we have always prided ourselves with the depth of honesty we swam in. We know EVERYTHING about each other. We talk about EVERYTHING. But not until the last few months, truly allowing for 100% honesty, has our relationship grown. Grown by leaps. Guys, TRUST your wives. Talk to them. You’ll be surprised with what they can handle. I know that is not always the case. We’ve seen that some wives are not ok with this. But once and for all, that’s okay too. Sucky, but ok. Life is about the experience.

    have I rambled?

  8. I just started reading your blog and have NO clue who you are referring to, but I just wanted to add a witness that complete honesty with my wife has been the best thing for us. It wasn’t easy, but I am finally finding real peace and healing, more so than any other time in my life. Take care!

    • Welcome! I’m glad you came by- I look forward to reading your story. SO FEW happy men in your situation have chosen to blog. Thanks!

  9. A writer friend of mine let me know about this blog. I am so grateful. I am in the similar boat, but went down a different stream. I got divorced.

    I feel your pain! I too have read blogs about gay men married to straight women who feel no cupablity at all. They are CHEATING on their wives and keeping them in the dark. In an attempt to keep a secret, he risks exposing her to all kinds of dangers and hurts. How selfish. I decided to let my husband go. I could not live with it. I can understand other women who can. At least he can give you children.

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