That last post was totally lame so I need to post something new to bump it off the top of the page. (I guess I could just delete it. . . )
Today I went to church. Alone. Without anyone else.
The kids are all battling the cough that I gave them, and someone needed to stay home with them so Husband graciously took one “for the team” and skipped. (pretty sure going wasn’t even on his radar today. we haven’t been in a few weeks- and the times we did go, we were loitering in the hall. You know, because our Sunbeam was having a hard time. . .)
At any rate, I decided that I needed to be in the building for a few minutes anyway to balance out my chakras and align my spirit etc. . . I walked in and sat in the back- but since we are a very small ward, they don’t open the overflow and the chapel is small to begin with. There really is no back.
Announcements, prayer, callings. . . I hear my name. “Well, they aren’t here today, so, what? what was that? Sister **** is here? Oh there she is! Sister **** could you please stand?”
(to quote Husband) WTF?!?!
Several weeks ago Bishop mentioned to Husband that they would like us to teach primary- that he would be leaving town and Brother “homosexuality is taking over our nation” would be talking to us about it the following Sunday. We haven’t been back since. (let me interject here that we also lead the addiction recovery class every week. we have and actively participate in our callings.)
So here I sit- I hear my name, and I shoot a very unhappy “what the hell are you playing at” look at Bishop and Brother h.i.t.o.o.n. I wish so much that I would have had the package to stay sitting, but I stood very briefly and then even raised my hand to sustain myself to the calling.
I resisted the urge to leave. As I sat there fuming, I was overcome with a very strong sense of peace. God loves me. He loves those men. They are doing what they think is right. I am doing what I think is right. That may not be congruent. That’s okay.
I feel like I need to go back. That doesn’t mean that I have to swallow the whole pill and blindly nod to everything that goes on. But tradition or truth, that is where I feel comfort.
It isn’t comfortable to be there without Husband. It isn’t fair of me to expect him to be somewhere he doesn’t want to be. I know that. But I can’t get past it. Maybe unwilling is a better description.
I’ve thought a lot about my path in life. I’ve been trying so long to go down Husband’s path- just to keep myself positioned by him. Codependency. That’s my name. I struggle with starting anything because I might not be amazing at it. I struggle with finding a place to send my youngest so I can actually do SOMETHING, because what if he is miserable? What if something awful happens to him?
I have mired myself in fears and what-ifs to the point of being in self-inflicted misery. I blame my kids, I blame Husband, I even blame myself, but I have been unwilling to take any steps to come out into the light. I need some help, but I don’t know where to get it. I committed myself to running two half marathons in October, and the training has been amazing. I have been able to see the fruits of long, slow, persistent commitment. I’ve been able to see myself accomplish stuff. Crazy how that works!
I’m finally beginning to open myself up to ideas and theories that aren’t distributed by Deseret Book. I’m definitely not anti- DB, Sheri Dew is a goddess, but there is more to life than what I have been living. It will be okay if I don’t go to Enrichment this month. Really. Especially if I’m doing something that will bring me closer in line with my own unique, totally ME path.
I struggle with friends. I have an amazing group of ladies that I have known since Jr. High who are a strength and light to me, but I have not a single close friend in the state. I just don’t know how to make them. I don’t know what to do beyond that initial meet and greet. There are a lot of moms at my kids schools who I think would be great women to hang out with. So how do I do that?
Well, it might help if I have a life of my own. For starters.
I’ve finally been able to see a possibility of maybe actually getting together with a few different women I come in contact with on a regular basis. Just that visualization is a huge step for me.
This is rambling like crazy- and has nothing to do with gayness- so technically it doesn’t fit into this blogs format. But thanks for the ear- if you made it this far-
Here’s to health and healing and light and paths and maybe a little gospel truth thrown in for good measure.
I think I’ll let Husband deal with the Bishop. 🙂