humph

I blog best when I’m mental.

This should be a REALLY good post!

I’ve had it with all this Gay stuff.  It’s time to take a step back and look at other aspects of life.  Are there any?  What do you all do to occupy your time when you’re not doing Gay things?  Gardening?  Genealogy?  (why did I pick things that start with G?)

I want to shop so bad I could burst!  But when I go to the mall, all I see are men- who are probably gay- who are a threat to my peace and sanity because one of them JUST MIGHT be the one who will carry off Husband to his happy lair of simple beauty.   (away from my clingy insanity.)

You see, I may SAY that I’m done with the Gay, but in all reality, I’m not.  I like to dwell on it because it creates a diversion from my mundane every day dishes and laundry life.  A little pink is always welcome.  Even if it hurts.

This past week has actually been really good- better than I expected coming off meds and all- but then I got sick, and when I get sick I get emotionally weak.  So here I am- all crazy and depressed and irrational and exposing my ugly underbelly to the world.  I guess I don’t blog when I’m strong because who wants to read about that?!?

So this is what I do- I avoid the stuff I’m supposed to be doing and read blogs.  My latest source is to read the blogs that link to mine.  Today I found one that had searched MOM on facebook.  Another blog that came up close to mine is a couple who has been married for 14 years- he came out to her a few years ago, and in an attempt to find true happines and stay together, they both go out and find partners of the same orientation.

At this point, I know darn well that I should turn around and walk away- but I don’t, and it sends me into a tailspin.  Reading about a couple who are so similar to us- but so incredibly opposite is jarring.  I know that they are not us.  I know that their happiness is in no way tied to mine.  Yet, it messes with me.  Is it that those ideas and images has offended the spirit within me?  Is it that they have preyed on my insecurities, and given Satan a stranglehold on my happiness?

I feel bad because I have been taking my dissatisfaciton out on Husband.  I blame him for everything.  None of it is his fault.  There is nothing he could do that would make me happy.  He could be a rich stake president (;0)) and I would still be completely ticked off.  But I still blame him and try to hurt him and pity myself and all kinds of other pathetic things that only I can do so well.  My little angel voice in the back of my head keeps singing in her lilting angel voice, “stop it. . . you’re only perpetuating the ugliness. . . it cannot improve without you making the choice. . . the toilets won’t clean themselves. . .”  bla bla blah!

I’m going to stop now.  I’m going to have a prayer and start cleaning our bathroom.  The rest will hopefully fall into place.  The path will unfold before me.

Thanks for listening.

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4 thoughts on “humph

  1. You will probably think *gay* for quite awhile. It’s been about 15 years since I came out to myself. I am in a committed same sex relationship and I still think *gay* every day. And yes, I do get tired of it too. Good luck in your journey.

  2. Your struggles and pain are real. I feel your loss. It seems to me in my own unique but similar situation that the stages of grief repeat over and over. I look for an enemy to blame or to focus the energy on but a dirty toilet just won’t do it for me. In my 20s I thought ” people can be whoever they want to be”. In my 30’s I thought “a person CAN change through faith and prayers and effort”. I am now embarking on my 40th decade and now I believe “it is what it is”… I have no power to change anyone, and I am not going to try. I lower my expectations and Im now setting the boundaries for the things that will help me be happy. I don’t know if your life has become all about how you can assist and keep your husband safe…we did and life got a bit lopsided. I felt seft out and over responsible. I got a therapist and pampering and love, support and nurturing. I learned that I can’t fix him or change him but I can love him. There are so many other joys in life to be found when the obsessions and worries stop and are given over to heavenly father. Give dh the toilet brush and go for a walk! Grreat blog! I admire you, It is a tough row to hoe!

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