I’ve got great kids. Let’s just get that out of the way. Our Daughter is this incredible bundle of sincerity and attitude and kindness. She FEELS so deeply, not unlike her parents. It will be our daily work to help her channel all of that emotion and not let it overtake her like it does me so often. #2 son is just a ball of uninhibited mess. He runs, jumps, yells and spills without a care. I hope he stays that way for as long as possible.
#1 son is the subject of this post today. #1 son has been our “sweet boy” since day one. You know when you hold your child for the first time and you get a sense of who they are, and as the days go by that sense grows stronger and stronger. He is devastatingly handsome. (he looks like me- go figure!) He has a higher pitched voice. He likes to be clean. He’s got rhythm. None of these traits makes him gay or straight, it just adds up to what makes him, Him.
I’ve wondered if these traits are just the traits he inherited from his father (all of the above- well, the rhythm part is debatable:) I wonder what his future holds for him. If in fact he is gay, what will my role be as his mother? I would love to think that I could just teach him to love and accept himself, to love and accept Christ as his Savior, and let him follow his own path. But let’s get real. I’m not that cool.
I try to imagine my baby boy bringing home his boyfriend. (I think I would be a lot cooler with that than if Husband brought home his boyfriend.) I think that as his Mother I would encourage him to follow his bliss- but be smart about it. I hope that the Church will have repositioned themselves to allow for more acceptance and understanding for the gay plight by the time #1 son discovers his sexuality. I really hope that he will be able to share his feelings and allow them to breathe, rather than suffocate him.
I think about social pressure. I think about his best friend right now. #1 will reach over and give his buddy a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell him he loves him. His buddy isn’t so keen on that idea. It’s cute for a 4-year old to do, but what happens when he is 9 and he tries to snuggle his buddy? What happens when he realizes that those feelings go deeper than buddy-ship?
What do we teach our kids about their future? “Someday when you grow up and get married and you and your <wife> have kids. . .” Is it pigeonhole-ing him to make those statements?
I honestly try to treat each of the kids equitably- but in reality that isn’t possible. There are too many variables in our minds hearts and bodies to allow for total equity. I sometimes wonder, when #1 is playing for hours in the dirt, making trails with his trucks and trains if I’ve got the kid pegged completely wrong. Does it really matter? I hope it doesn’t. I hope that he can be who he is and be at peace with that identity.
So I just love my kids. I muddle through each day giving them opportunities to express and develop in their own direction. He has chosen to play soccer again this season. When offered a girl vs. a boy dress-up, he chooses the boy- but I offer both- to all the kids. I encourage his awesome dance moves- we turn on the music and dance the night away- all of us.
This morning I was crying in the car. He said to me, “are you crying Mommy?”
Me: “yes, I am.”
#1: “it’s okay Mommy, you’ve got me.”
Me: “that’s right, love, I’ve got you. Thank you so much.”
Lately he will stop us mid sentence and say: “Guess what?”
#1: “I love you so much”
us: “I love YOU so much!!”