The anniversary went pretty well. We didn’t really get gifts for each other for a lot of reasons- one being that I wansn’t so sure we’d make it to the day. (I’m so amazed and thrilled that we did!!) Another reason is that there just isn’t an appropriate gift for our situation. A small trinket would be lame- a big fancy louis vuitton handbag (while completely fabulous and always welcome) would be vulgar- and remind me of the sucky time we’re going through. Who wants a louis that reeks of angst? So, we chose to just be together as US.
Husband, being the amazingly fabulous man that he is, surprised me with the absolutely most perfect, appropriate, thoughtful wonderful gift ever. We went running together- which is really cool because I haven’t been able to get myself to run with him for a long time for many reasons, and because he went in to work late so we could share that time. On one of the sidewalks on this particular route, there is a spot that has been bleached/ worn/ whatever-ed to look like a heart. It is so cool. I never would have noticed it, but Husband is always looking around and observing things (that can be oh so bad too.) So we always notice this heart when we pass over it. As we were running yesterday, we approached it, and he pointed at it and said, “happy anniversary.” I looked down and he had written a wonderful inscription on it that matches a rock he had engraved for our first anniversary. I stopped and just bawled.
It couldn’t be better than that. It doesn’t get better than him.
Ooohh but I hate him! 🙂
Things were great- until I started thinking. Then I got all overwhelmed with our situation and lost it. I prayed like crazy and called him and we talked some more and I felt better and then after dinner it got bad again because we started talking about the church. (thanks Chris!:) SO- he declared today “no discussing the issue” day.
Since mid-June and the Chicago incident there hasn’t been a day, no, a four hour span that we haven’t been in deep discussion about our marriage, his gayness, or the Church. I don’t know how do NOT talk about it. I don’t know what I’m doing at all, so talking about it is the only way I can maintain my sanity.
But maybe it’s contributing to my insanity. (*&^%$!!!
Here’s MY feeling: Husband needs to talk. He is going to talk. I don’t want him to talk to anybody who will tell him anything other than, “Stay with your wife, stay in the church, here’s a manual on how to not lust after the guy in the black mercedes that drops his kid off at your daughter’s school every day, (well, maybe that last one is part mine. hee hee) you can and will make this marriage work, now go make out with your wife and enjoy it.”
That, in my opinion, is a very reasonable request. So if Husband is requesting contact with any of you who are reading this- just be aware of what the parameters of your conversation need to be. If you cannot abide by my request. . . well, we’ll just leave it at that.
Am I too controlling?
I am fully aware that I need to let go of the reins a little bit. I do not own this man. I want to, but I don’t and if he feels deep down in his heart that he has to do all those things that will absolutely kill me in order to keep his own sanity, I have to learn to live with it. I’d rather get ahead of the game and find the strength to stand on my own so if it does happen I can go on living. And if I find this strength and he chooses that he can reconcile his worlds and keep us together, we’ll all be better for it.
There’s just one problem:
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FREAKING DO THIS!!
Deep breath, stiff upper lip, eyes forward. March.