Rude!

So, here I am enjoying my nice calm peaceful day, doing my darndest to keep my chin up, keep the bad thoughts from enveloping my life, making dinner for my family, anticipating Husband’s arrival home from work, when he calls and asks, “how do you spell pubescence?”  Crap. 

If you haven’t already, you can go read his blog post from yesterday about his new “secret crush” at work. 

WHY WHY WHY??? 

I don’t feel too bad, I knew he had a thing for Jason.  He’s  the only respectably clean and attractive guy in the entire office after all, it was only a matter of time (seconds) before Husband’s pubescence overcame him and he started getting fluttery at the sight of the kid. 

FYI: I actually haven’t read the post, but Husband told me about it- mentioned that I probably wouldn’t like it- so I’m refraining.  I’ll give it another couple of hours before curiosity takes over. 

We got ready to go out and run.  The self control started waning.  Mind starts wandering.  Feigning a level head.  #2 child falls asleep in car so I encourage Husband to go get his run in and I’ll go run some errands.  Kid is still asleep so Daughter puts in a story cd that I got at Time Out for Women last fall, and we drive for 45 minutes. 

CD is the story of three princesses whose father is amazing and has everything but loves his kids above all.  He spends time with them and teaches then all that he knows and loves.  (heart sinking, guilt overtaking me)

Father sends his girls to a place where they can learn more- he gives them instructions to stay on His side of the line, and build a castle worthy of Him. 

One is diligent, one is half hearted, one gives up and goes to live in the pretty palace on the “other side.”  Soon she realizes that she has been shackled and chained to the palace and can’t get out.  She cries and pleads and just as she is about to give up, she feels arms around her.   She doesn’t have to look, she knows it is her Brother.   He breaks the chain, shields her from the anger of the evil palace owner and takes her back to their Father’s side. 

I’m crying, Daughter is emotional, we pick up Husband and he is worried about what I’ve been doing to our poor kids. 

I’ve been trying to do this without His help.  I’ve been asking for it, but not doing what it takes to get it.  This summer has been tough.  The kids have had to suffer, even though we’ve tried to keep a brave face.  It all sounds so simple to just “stay on the Lord’s side of the line.”  Not just stay on His side, but so far from the line that you can’t even see it. 

Let’s face it: I like the line.  I totally look over at the shiny palace and the laughing people and long to be with them.  Sometimes I go over for a visit.  Its fun for a while, then I come back where its safe and cozy, wondering why I ever left.  But I keep leaving. 

We talk of “conversion.”  How many Laman and Lemuel experiences will it take for me to become TRULY converted?  Will I ever?  Do I really want to? 

After the story last night, I felt empowered to move forward, as well as remorseful at the manner I’ve been living my life, and remorseful that I haven’t been teaching my kids enough about the good and wonderful in this world.  I was ready to kick it all in high gear and get moving up the ol’ iron rod.

Then I came home, let all of the emotional anchors pull me under, cried to Husband about stuff and now, today, I’m a tiny bit better than I was yesterday. 

High gear isn’t in my vocabulary.  I’m still trying to find a gear.  But- It’s noon and I’ve already gone on a run, talked with a friend (who knew I had them?) and SHOWERED!  Maybe high gear isn’t too far off.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll teach my kids something today.

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2 thoughts on “Rude!

  1. Just discovered your blog and your husband’s. I don’t know if you have tripped over mine or not, but I am 24 years into a wonderful marriage and am also a gay man. I wont’ bore you with my story, but will say that I have been through much and am happy to be back on the path with my partner by my side. It is possible! And both can be happy! (but it isn’t easy)

    I’d be happy to share more with the two of you if you are interested.

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