In an effort to understand Husband, to find support for our cause to stay and succeed in our MOM, to understand and make sense of the murkier doctrines of the gospel, I have been exposing myself to all sorts of ideas, ideologies and images; many of which are counter to what I have believed I believe for my entire life. Blogs, blogs and more blogs. Thoughts thoughts and more thoughts. (forgive me if none of this makes any sense, it is difficult to complete a thought with a two year old sitting on my lap and head butting my arms.)
While I appreciate expansion and opening of the mind, I simply don’t know what to do with all of this. I was raised with an open minded Father and a closed-minded Mother who, incidentally, silenced many of Dad’s ideas. Mom ruled the roost. Dad let her. So now that I am free to think and feel and decide for myself, I’m sort of afraid. What if what if what if???
I just read a post about gay sex from another married moho, and the subsequent responses from both practicing gay and non practicing gays in hetero marriages. It’s no secret that Husband likes gay sex, hairy chins and all of the things that I am also attracted to. No secret that he’s not turned on by my curves and softness. I feel bad that he is stuck with me, unable to get what his body wants. But what does that thought process do for me? Nothing good. It freaks me out that he probably read that same post and got turned on and excited by the imagery, and then had to come back to real life and squash those thoughts and urges. What does that thought process do for me? Nothing good. So why do I continue to expose myself to it?
I hope that these bloggers will somehow have the answers for us. But guess what? There is no answer. There is no magic word that will “fix” our sexual incompatibilities.
Doesn’t mean that I’ll stop reading. . .
I’m addicted to -L- at ardentmormon.blogspot. A couple of weeks ago I started reading from his first post in March of 2006, and have only made it into May. It’s going to take a while to get through everything. He delves deeply into many elements of the Gospel, of psychology, and his own life experiences. I am learning a lot, and I really really enjoy reading about someone who has many of the same questions and feelings that I have. I mostly like affirmation. I’ll probably get into 2007 and read about how he gave up on the Gospel, his marriage, and is now blissfully basking in the glow of his new husband and beach house, but for now, I’m grateful for the time and energy he put into documenting his journey for the benefit of the masses. (me)
We had an excellent week with my family. It was like we were “us” again. Husband is the reason I am willing to challenge my entire belief system. Husband, at the end of the day, is worth every tear and sick stomach ache. Husband is My husband.