Wednesday was probably the darkest day in my marriage. I was ready-ing myself to be single. It wasn’t pretty.
Husband and I have been through a lot these 14 years. It all came raining down on me Wednesday. I just couldn’t stand up under the weight of it any more.
The kids and I were going about our day as usual. I took them to swimming lessons- Boog and I take a mommy & me class so I was in the pool with them. He likes to ride on my belly while I paddle around on my back. I found myself holding back tears for no apparent reason.
Husband and I had a long conversation about religion, Christ, the Church and how it all plays out in our situation. Basically, I need to be okay if he decides that the Church isn’t for him.
On one level, I have been preparing for this, and I have told myself (and him) that I’ll support whatever he decides. On another level, I have been in complete denial and want no part of a Priesthood-less home. It was this second level that was hit that day.
What is the big deal? You’ll have your man. The kids will have their Dad. God won’t stop watching over you because your husband doesn’t believe the exact way you do. The only thing that changes is the availability of Priesthood Blessings. That’s it. Get over it.
But, being me, I freak out and feed the ugliness until it rages and overflows. I took Peach to piano lessons, and found myself sobbing outside on the playground with the boys. I cried the whole way home, and came upstairs and cried some more. To this point, the kids have seen me cry, but not REALLY cry- but they did that night. I couldn’t hold it together.
I have been trying to do this on my own. Trying to take Christ out of the equation. For a dyed-in-the-wool Mormon, that leads to a lot of confusion. I have literally no experience in living without the Gospel, and a crisis is no time to learn. I went to the temple recently, but probably shouldn’t have. An awful experience. The voices that were reverberating through my head were not the peaceful voices of the spirit- It took all I had to not get up and leave. I made it to the end sobbing. I couldn’t get out quick enough.
I have been spending a lot of time online- too much time- looking at blogs and doing research on Prop 8, gays in the Church, and gays Out of the Church. I see so much good- so much love- so much acceptance “outside.” I see so much intolerance- so much doublespeak- so much inconsistency “inside.” It would only make sense to find my place on the other side of the temple square gate. (Besides, Husband is having so much fun buying up cute boxers, I’m starting to get jealous.)
Darkness and confusion were all I found.
It’s just not for me.
The Church is definitely NOT for everyone. I completely accept that. I almost hoped that it was no longer for me- that I could “free myself from the constraints” of the demands of my religion. But the Church IS for me. I’m still trying to figure out where exactly I stand on many issues, but now that I have made that committment (again) the clouds have cleared and I am ready to tackle this marriage head on.
All this happened on Wednesday.
I was getting ready to pack Husand’s bag and have it waiting for him on the front steps. He could say goodbye to the kids, but it was over. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I went outside and sat on the steps for a minute and prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. A teeny tiny quiet voice in the very back of my head whispered, “just wait until he comes home.”
I listened, and I’m so glad I did.
When I woke up with Husband on Thursday, I felt strong again. I wasn’t gleeful, but strong. I actually felt a bit sad, like I was mourning a loss, but it was a hopeful sad- like this thing had died, and I will miss it, but the thing that was growing in its place would, in time, be much greater. Friday was even better. When Friday evening became tough, I wasn’t brought down by it. I am resting on the arm of the Lord. What a relief.
Now we’re off to run 8 miles today. Two months ago I wouldn’t run with Husband because I run slower than him, and I didn’t want him to have to hold back to be with me. Now I realize that it is the price we pay to be together. Happy to do it.