We had a minor upheaval yesterday, but I am getting better at “weathering,” especially the storms that I create. Husband was initially the one who recommended we not talk about anything until morning, but I actually agreed and stopped freaking out. That’s a big move for me.
It drives me crazy how he can turn his thoughts off and move on. I absolutely cannot do it. Even though I didn’t make him talk to me, I didn’t sleep. I even took something to help me sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, unwanted images and thoughts came flooding. So, I did laundry, I picked up the rocks in the yard that the wicked storm washed out of place, I organized bookshelves, I read some of Husbands old journals and Sacrament meeting talks. It was actually a pretty productive night.
After a nasty experience of reading my old journals this week, his journals were a breath of fresh air. He spoke so positively about so many things, where I usually journal about the negative. There was the occasional vent of ugliness and despair, but overall he has been quite happy. That gave me a huge boost of confidence that we have the distinct possibility of being okay.
I still believe our Okay is better than a lot of other couples’ Great. Not that we are in competition with anyone else. We have to make the best of whatever it is that we have, and what we have still far outweighs what we lack.
I realized how much I value, and therefore miss his Priesthood. Not that he has had his blessings removed, but he is trying to figure out where he really “is” with the gospel. I can imagine how tiring it would get to constantly fall short of the perceived expectations placed upon him. There simply aren’t nice answers to a lot of our questions as far as The Church is concerned, but that is where we learn The Gospel, and take the organization for what it is- a group of human beings interpreting God’s word. Yes, they’re really good and righteous humans, but humans nonetheless. Saying that still feels wrong, but it has to be right, or husband’s entire existence is without hope.
So, I go back to what I know. Peace comes through righteousness. Answers may not come, but peace certainly will.
After the rain has fallen,
After the tears have washed your eyes,
You’ll find that I’ve taken nothing
that Love can’t replace in the blink of an eye.