Stupidity.

I did a pretty stupid thing last night- I threw a fit and left.  It wasn’t even for a very good reason, but at the time I thought it was.

I have been trying so hard to keep strong, to allow husband to do his thing, to do my thing without needing his constant approval, and it has been okay.  Not great, but okay.  For some reason, last night, it crumbled a little.  I was disappointed because he seemed distant- a perfectly normal attitude for someone as tired as he is, but an attitude that I automatically jump to as really being done with me, (which sucks because I completely understand if he is done with me.  I am exhausting.)  I was disappointed that he didn’t remember his promise from the previous night to rub my back .  With all of this sexual confusion, I need his touch desperately.  (Another thing I’m trying to overcome the NEED for.)  Then I saw he had added “anto” back as a fb friend.

-Let’s just stop and look at this one.  I was completely wrong to violate his privacy and mess with his facebook account.  Completely wrong.

BUT

I am in a panic right now.  Everything in my world is at stake because of husband.  My eggs shouldn’t all be in his basket, but frankly, they are.  His full confession has broken my life.  If he wants to remedy that, as he says he does, I would think that he would be bending over backwards to get back on the moho-m.o.m. success bandwagon.  Building a relationship with an openly gay man who has unabashedly hit on him puts him square on the queen float of the pride parade.  In my twisted mind, anyway.  All things aren’t black and white, but this is just a little too pink for my comfort.  I understand that he wants these folks in his corner to have the career advantage, but I can’t help but see it as more than that. Maybe I’m wrong, but it bums me out that husband isn’t trying to do more to assauge my fears. Rant over.

Back to last night.  I guess he assumed I was taking the “broken promise” of the back rub to mean more than the back rub- but our whole existence.  He clammed up, rolled over, and said he was dismissing me.

I understand being tired, and not wanting to get into a big ol row like we have so many nights recently.  But add his “dismissal” to the distant attitude and that equals wife snapping in two.

As soon as I got in the car I realized what I was doing and that I was wrong.  It was my weak, immature attempt to force him to pay attention to me.  “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”  So why does he?  Like I said before, I am exhausting.  Poor guy needs a breather.  I know this, but I’m still upset by it.  I drove down the street, parked in a parking lot, cried- partially because I was hurt, partially out of shame, partially out of disgust at myself for reversing all of this goodness we had been feeling since Friday- and tried to talk myself into going back.  Pride won out, and I hung out there for a couple of hours.  To make matters worse, he was the mature one, as always, and didn’t take the bait.  Not a message, not a call.  When I got home, sure enough, he was fast asleep.  (It irks me to no end that he can shut it off and get rest!  I can’t do it.)

At some point while I was gone I had a realization that he might be really upset at me.  Up until then, it was all about me, but it wasn’t all about me.  I denied him of his right to just be himself.  I am now anxiously awaiting what he will do when he wakes up.  Will he be okay with me, and chalk it up to my crazy woman-ness?  Or will it be another tick against this marriage- proving what he has suspected all along- that we can’t make this work?  I half expect him to pack up this morning.

It’s times like this moment that I wonder what we are doing.  I am back at square one- doubting, fearing, clinging.  Fact is this: we have the ability to be great together.  Really great.  We have three amazing kids whose lives would be permanently altered by us splitting.  And not in a good way.  Me throwing myself on the floor in a pathetic, begging heap isn’t enough to keep him here if he decides it’s time.  I’m going to have to step it up and give him what I expect of him.

I am still bewildered that those two beautiful kids who were so in love almost 13 years ago are in this spot now.

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