This is a response I left on another mormon married gay guy’s blog after a post about Prayer and temptation. Can you feel the bitterness tonight?
“Pray out the Gay” is the term my gay husband and I use when discussing the advice he gets from anyone he turns to for help. My husband has fasted, prayed, attended the temple, studied his scriptures, and fulfilled his callings diligently for years and years. There is absolutely no guarantee that those things will keep you from temptation. More than once he has had an incredibly spiritual study period and then gone out to run and “met up” with a guy and “messed up.” We both are frustrated at this over simplified answer to his struggles. Yes, those things tend to give us armor against temptation, but more often than not it has given him a false sense of security. I know that my opinion will be against what many of you believe, but this is the reality that I am coming to terms with.”
On another note, as I learn and come to understand more and more about my dearest chosen one, I am more and more conflicted about the “knowledge” I have gained over the years about right and wrong. Really, is there anything that is “wrong” if done with earnest, and honest intent of the wrong-doer? If they truly, honestly see no wrong, is it still wrong for them to do it? I know what is right, FOR ME. It wouldn’t work for me to start drinking, to start sleeping around, to eat cake with abandon. But does that make it wrong for someone else who doesn’t know?
Husband has been told that acting out on his gay desires is wrong, but he doesn’t really KNOW that in his heart of hearts. So when he does, and it feels more right than anything else in his life, is it still wrong? It is wrong in the sense that he is cheating on me, but is it wrong for him to feel satisfied? The only problem with this new philosophy of mine is: where does that leave my marriage?
He wants to stay with the kids and I because he loves us, because we are best friends, because of thousands of other little things that make us “US.” I cannot articulate the chemistry that occurs between us. It is without definition. He stays also because he committed to this relationship at the beginning, and he wants to make it work til the end. He just doesn’t know what is right anymore, and the things he knows are right are near impossible to stick with.
I miss him while he is gone. I try every moment to quell the panic that he is screwing up as I do the dishes and tuck the kids into bed, and water the plants. At least at home he has to look in my eyes at the end of the day. It still isn’t enough, but it’s something.